Taking Time To Text
by Feagalad
Summary: Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are best friends who engage in cases of mystery, mayhem, and malfeasance. They are surrounded by an extended family of coppers, a former drug-cartel typist, and one former assassin. These are their stories. (Sequel to Trepidation to Text)
1. In Which Sherlock Is Pranked

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**Authors' Note: **_Welcome back to all followers and welcome to any new readers! We are so excited about our move to a new thread and the opportunities for further creativity that it gives us. We look forward to hearing your thoughts and we are taking suggestions. Enjoy! - Feagalad & TheChristmasSerialMurders_

**Disclaimer: **_If you think that we can lay any claim to BBC's Sherlock...then you need to get your eyes checked. And maybe your sanity as well._

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Shell rock, do u need anything while Im here? - JW

*Sherlock - JW

Quackers and mink - SH

Excuse me? - JW

*Crackers and milk. Damn this new phone! - SH

That is what u get fore blowing up the old pine. - JW

*ONE! Bloomy! This is ridicules! Baldy phone! - JW

*Bloody! - JW

How could a phone be bald? It's not like it hand hare to begin with... - SH

H.A.I.R! - SH

DAMN YOU, MY CRAFT! - SH

Surrey its not Minecraft? - JW

M.Y.C.R.O.F.T! Does not he have better things two do?! - JW

Blast. - SH

It is. I am sure of it. - SH

He providence these phones, remember? - SH

*provided...damn spell-checker! - SH

Yeah I knots! Damming bloody smartness phones! - JW

He's just doing it to get back at me for posting Mist Raid fanart to his desk top. - SH

*M.Y.S.T.R.A.D.E. - SH

Oh my God. - JW

Fleas pick up some milk for me? - SH

*Please - SH

I hate this...I feel like ewe! - SH

Okay, cure! How mush? - JW

U fell like a womanly sheep? o.0 - JW

Four God's snake! - SH

No. I said I FEEL LIKE YOU with this damn spell-checker messing up my wording. And I need two mugs of milk. - SH

JUGS...I need two JUGS! - SH

No by god! Want we switch it off somehow?! - JW

*CANT, BLOODY HELL! - JW

I am going to MULDER my brother! - SH

Ten we can fling him back to life and BILL him again! - JW

Right! - SH

While you're at it, pick me up some Sasquatch bros. too. - SH

Big footed isn't even in this country! -JW

I want some s.q.u.a.s.h.b.a.l.l.s... - SH

Dye? Four a suitcase…? - JW

Yes. For a case. - SH

Hat is it, the Adventure of the Bad Tennis Splayer…? - JW

No. I need to see what velociraptor it would take to shatter the grass into a part liquor pattern. - SH

Okay. I think I got that. Any ding else? - JW

_Pirouette _Series 2? I finished what Merry lent me last night. - SH

Session 2 of SQUAT?! - JW

*What - JW

Did not no u were ding ballet, mate! - JW

I'm not. - SH

Mummy made me take a crass when I was little. But I haven't since then. - SH

Where wood you get that idea? - SH

Form Session 2 of 'Pirouette' baby…? - JW

*MAYBE GODDAMNIT! - JW

I think you mean Poirot, John. - SH

Oh! Flight! *base palm* I will sea if I can find any…! - JW

Where are you flying to? - SH

Test co.'s. May be I should try some wear else…? - JW

Possibly. I seem to remember the manager taking a distinct dislike to us the last time we went shopping. - SH

Not us. Must you! Four spelling has got better! Watt did u do to stop it? - JW

Has it? I didn't notice... - SH

Watt did you dew to turn it off?! - JW

You think I did something? - SH

Mess! Now else has your spelling suddenly got perfect a gain?! - JW

Am I not normally practically perfect in every way? - SH

Mycroft just likes me better, I suppose... - SH

Gr eight! Now yew are going Mary Poppins on me! Typical! - JW

What the bloody hell? Minecraft hates every 1. Even u! - JW

No off fence... - JW

None taken. The feeling is entirely mutual... - SH

I no! No Pivot here, badly. Want me to tie somewhere else…? - JW

No. Just get my milk to me. Mary just texted me wanting to know if I've tied you to the kitchen table again. - SH

I told her no. - SH

Jess sir! - JW

Baldy hope so! - JW

Who is Jess? Did you run into that fan again? - SH

Stop fussing about that, John! It was just once... - SH

*yes I meant YES - JW

One thyme too many! - JW

It was for a case, John. You _know _that! And you were perfectly consenting! - SH

Butt yew dont need to tell the whole %^&*£ WORLD about it! That sounded SO wrong! - JW

WHat was thatt, John? - SH

Are u laughing? - JW

Oh hell...NOT THAT KIND OF, I mean, DAMN U MYCROFT! - JW

Sherlock, youd BETTER not have fore warded this two Mary! - JW

SHERLOCK? - JW


	2. In Which Sherlock Is Awake

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* * *

Mary? Are you awake? - SH

I am now. - MW

I can't sleep. - SH

Evidently. Why talk to me, though? - MW

I'm bored and John's phone is off. - SH

I think the correct term is 'dead' actually. Dead to the world just like he is. What's up? I cant sleep either… - MW

Why not? - SH

Baby deciding that she wants to play soccer at 10:30 at night, mostly. - MW

You know that the eighth month has several interesting properties, when you look at it from a purely biological standpoint...? - SH

Does it…? I entirely hadn't noticed. - MW

Yes it does. I've been reading up on this, you know. - SH

Oh? Why the hell would u waste your time with THAT? I'm sure your tobacco ash is feeling a little neglected… - MW

You're being snide, aren't you, Mary? You're not mad are you? Did I do something wrong? - SH

For an arrogant sod u certainly have some serious self-esteem issues. Why the bloody hell would I be mad? I'm just tired. - MW

Oh... - SH

What made you so tired? You haven't been moonlighting with John's gun again, have you? - SH

Sherlock, Im 8 months bloody pregnant! What do you think has made me so tired?- MW

No, just moonlighting with John himself… ;) - MW

All you do is sit around all day reading Agatha Christie! - SH

What have you two been doing? And why wasn't I invited? - SH

Unfortunately I'm not like a certain someone who can find out who the murderer is, and what his wife has been doing after the first page! - MW

Are u sure u want to be invited to John and I doing…something at night, by ourselves…? - MW

You wound me, Mary. I figured it out from the back cover summary... - SH

Of course! I'm bored. - SH

Well, for the harder cases, then! - MW

Sherlock, dear, unless u want to get involved doing you-know-what, u don't wanna be invited… - MW

You-Know-What? - SH

U know...the You-Know-What! You're a bloody genius...think about it! - MW

No I don't know what. Stop being so dense. What...are you two going to a shooting range? I have a fully functional smiley that I'll offer instead. More cost effective... - SH

How do u make babies, Sherlock, dear? And I shall put away your smiley comment away for future referece

Well the biology of human reproduction is, at its core, really quite simple and..._MARY_! - SH

And FINALLY he gets it! Would u like a round of applause with that…? - MW

Mary just...just, I. Damn it! That's _not _what I meant! - SH

U asked, didn't u…? Does your wanting to be invited still stand…? ;) - MW

NO! - SH

Are u sure, dear? U were very insistent... ;) - MW

Stop it, Mary. That isn't funny. I'm _never _going to get to sleep now lest I have nightmares! - SH

Oh dear. And u do need your beauty sleep, don't u? - MW

I'm fine, Mary. Everything else is transport. - SH

Says u. John has a completely different idea on the matter… - MW

John is a worry wart. - SH

No, u just don't give a fez about yourself and it troubles John daily. - MW

Weren't you just telling me off the other day for being, and I quote 'an arrogant sod who didn't know that the Earth revolves around the Sun because he thought it revolved around him'? - SH

My point EXACTLY! - MW

What's your point? I don't understand. - SH

U wouldn't. Its 11 at night, I'm not explaining something to someone who is being so obtuse…I'm too tired for that. - MW

I'm not obtuse! - SH

... - MW

What? - SH

Nothing. Nothing at all. - MW

Oh? Because I know that silence and it doesn't mean 'nothing'... - SH

U snooze, u lose! - MW

But I'm not asleep. - SH

*sighs* Never mind. Its just a figure of speech. - MW

Oh. Well. I knew that. - SH

Yeah, right. - MW

Mary...could I borrow your gun tomorrow? Mrs. Hudson might not be quite so angry with my target practice if I use a silencer and I need to complete the mural. - SH

'Mural'? - MW

Yes. The one I'm putting into the wall of my bedroom with John's gun. Mrs. Hudson was a bit...perturbed by the noise. - SH

I can imagine. What of? - MW

Just a picture. I almost finished the left eye whenever Mrs. Hudson came in and...encouraged me to seek entertainment somewhere else. Shame. I went to all the trouble of pick-pocketing that gun for nothing... - SH

Yeah, John is still mad about that. Notice he hasn't contacted u in over 2 hours…? He was sulking all evening. He's a bigger drama queen than U sometimes! - MW

What's the mural of? Another smiley face? - MW

He's mad? - SH

No. It was going to be Billy. - SH

Yeah. What do u expect? - MW

Billy? - MW

My skull. - SH

Charming… - MW

I'm BORED! - SH

*yawns* So you've said. Many times before. - MW

It's _true_...! - SH

I know. - MW

So can I borrow your gun? I promise to clean it when I'm done... - SH

Yes, u can if u clean it when you're done. U know where to find me. - MW

Really?! You really mean that? - SH

When have I ever lied to u? - MW

… - MW

Actually, ignore that. Yes I do mean it. - MW

Thank you, Mary. - SH

Just make sure u give back John's gun whenever u come to get mine. :) - MW

Pleasure. - MW

Can I go back to sleep, now…? - MW

If you must. I'll just go and finish dissecting that vole on the table. - SH

Yeah I needed to know that, Sherlock, thanks. I'm not even going to ask what for. - MW

That is probably wise. - SH


	3. In Which Sherlock Is Oblivious

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* * *

I'm still bored. Lets have dinner. For real this time... ;) - IA

Excuse me, who is this? - MW

The Woman, silly...professional dominatrix? Incredibly skilled pick-pocket? The woman who brought England to its knees?...And you are not Sherlock Holmes, I see… - IA

_Irene_?! - MW

Yes. This is she. - IA

Oh my God...I thought u were dead! - MW

That was the official report, yes. - IA

But...the _boss_ said that u were dead! - MW

Well he would, wouldn't he? No, I have 'died' many times but I still draw breath… - IA

Apparently. Good God...this must have been how John felt when Sherlock popped up out of nowhere in that stupid waiter's suit! - MW

Sherlock? Sherlock Holmes? In a waiter's suit? Dear me...what has the idiot been up to now? John? Dr. John Watson, I would assume? How do you know him? Who, my dear, are you…? You know _way_ too much about me. Do I know what YOU like…? IA

Do you know what I like? I highly doubt it. Our relationship was less...physically involved then that. Although I don't think you'll ever forgive me for the time I shot out your favourite bottle of Milan perfume... - MW

Shooting my Milan perfume? Only one person I know did that…Abbey? Is that you?! - IA

Congratulations, give the girl a medal... - MW

Oh my God...! - IA

* * *

**TBC...**


	4. In Which Sherlock Is Absent

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* * *

**Previously...**

_I'm still bored. Lets have dinner. For real this time... ;) - IA_

_Excuse me, who is this? - MW_

_The Woman, silly...professional dominatrix? Incredibly skilled pick-pocket? The woman who brought England to its knees?...And you are not Sherlock Holmes, I see… - IA_

_Irene?! - MW_

_Yes. This is she. Who, my dear, are you…? You know way too much about me. Do I know what YOU like…? IA_

_Do you know what I like? I highly doubt it. Our relationship was less...physically involved then that. Although I don't think you'll ever forgive me for the time I shot out your favourite bottle of Milan perfume... - MW_

_Shooting my Milan perfume? Only one person I know did that…Abbey? Is that you?! - IA_

_Congratulations, give the girl a medal... - MW_

_Oh my God...! - IA_

* * *

'Oh my God' indeed, Irene. How are u even still alive?! - MW

Because it's sexier. - IA

Irene. Please pull your head out of the gutter for at least five seconds and answer me? How are u alive? U were beheaded...people don't really recover from that... - MW

Well… I do believe Sherlock Holmes was my knight in shining armour in that case…makes a girl feel all fluttery. ;) - IA

Sherlock? _Sherlock Holmes _played 'knight in shining armour' for u?! What the HELL? - MW

And since when do u play the damsel in distress?! - MW

I was in a very…sticky situation, no thanks to your boss, and Sherlock (he was playing as my executor...has a real flair for the deliciously dramatic) came and saved me. - IA

And faked that tape the boss hacked and watched over and over during coffee breaks, I suppose. God I was getting tired of that bloody thing! - MW

Well, I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you by trying to save my arse…! - IA

U didn't have to listen to the giggles. It was like when he was watching that disgusting show he was so fond of. What was it..._Glee_? Horrid! - MW

_Glee_? Isn't that the show about some stupid twenty-somethings-trying-to-be-teens thinking they can sing? Thats EXACTLY what I'd expect James Moriarty to watch! Though if I was him I'd be plotting their murders, because of the damage they did to my eardrums… - IA

And don't look at me like that...Kate used to occasionally watch it. I wanted to beat them black and blue...or preferably bump them off entirely. - IA

Sebastian would have supported u on that mission of mercy, though I think he was more inclined to shoot the boss in the head and damn the consequences. - MW

The boss tried to get him to agree to a re-enactment of the Blaine/Kurt story arc, complete with karaoke. - MW

And he didn't get shot?! - IA

Sebastian _tried _to shoot him more than once. I stopped him. Told him we'd both be out of work and running to save our pathetic arses if he did. Funnily enough, he listened. - MW

You always were the practical one. - IA

I'm just surprised he listened to me... - MW

Well...you can be quite persuasive when you wish to be, Abbey, dear… - IA

True. I don't blame him for wanting to silence that prattling tongue, though. The karaoke! - MW

I would've shot Jim in he head if he'd even MENTIONED it to me! - IA

That would never have happened, never fear. U and I both know that he didn't swing our way. - MW

Don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to work THAT one out! - IA

No shit, Sherlock. ;) - MW

Which brings me to my next question. How _do you_ know Sherlock and John…? How many times have you tried to kill them? Thats the only way I can see you knowing them… - IA

Oh, Irene. C'mon, dear...surely _u _have already worked out just how I...know John Watson? - MW

By 'know' I'm assuming you are sleeping with him? - IA

In a manner of speaking, yes. Has being dead dulled your senses? - MW

Well if you aren't trying to kill them and you're sleeping with Dr. Watson...I am assuming the 'W' in your initials means you've taken on the name 'Watson' yourself…? Finally settled down, then? With Sherlock Holmes' blogger of all people! - IA

Hmmm. Yes. He's quite a man, Dr. Watson is. I've thought so ever since I first met him... - MW

I am sure. ;) - IA

What does the 'M' stand for? - IA

Not S & M, certainly. That's more your gig. - MW

You preferred interrogation over pillow talk, as I recall. - IA

Less messy. And I can't quite pull off the stilettos the way you can... - MW

Don't worry, darling, your figure looks quite nice in them...trust me. ;) - IA

But you're avoiding my question. What...don't want to clue dear Irene in on your new alias? I'll show you mind if you show me yours. - IA

Do u breath innuendo or something like that? You're like Sherlock and things pertaining to murder! - MW

We both have to think about The Work, Abbey. Now spill! - IA

It's 'Mary' now. That's what the 'M' stands for. Had to drop the 'Abbey'. After the empire went down there were numerous individuals and organisations that, how do u say it, wanted my guts on a shish kebab? So now I am Mary Elizabeth Watson nee Morstan. Good name, don't u think? Nice and nondescript, but not too plain. - MW

'Mary' is a little bit dull, actually…doesn't say _YOU_ at all. - IA

That was the idea. - MW

Still...a bit dull. Couldn't you have used the name 'Marian' or something like that? - IA

John likes the name Mary... - MW

They would NEVER have got your guts on a shish kebab. You are far too good to let them catch you. - IA

I may be good...but part of that skill means taking no chances. And whenever u have Charles Augustus Magnussen on your tail u should just off yourself because he's like a bloody bloodhound. He even pisses on the rug, according to John. I curse the day the boss ever started dealing with him. - MW

Magnussen? The blackmailer that gorgeous little Janine worked for? - IA

The same. - MW

Well I never! That must have been how Jim got all of those ridiculously romanticised sob-stories about Sherlock into the press, not to mention gathered information on all those juries he rigged, damn him. I never liked the man. - IA

He didn't possess the same finesse as you. Still...a dull knife can be more dangerous than a sharp one if handled incorrectly. - MW

_Didn't_? Abigail Grace Roxanne Adair...are you hiding something? - IA

Damn. - MW

* * *

**TBC...**


	5. In Which Sherlock Is In Trouble

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* * *

**Previously...**

_They would NEVER have got your guts on a shish kebab. You are far too good to let them catch you. - IA_

_I may be good...but part of that skill means taking no chances. And whenever u have Charles Augustus Magnussen on your tail u should just off yourself because he's like a bloody bloodhound. He even pisses on the rug, according to John. I curse the day the boss ever started dealing with him. - MW_

_Magnussen? The blackmailer that gorgeous little Janine worked for? - IA_

_The same. - MW_

_Well I never! That must have been how Jim got all of those ridiculously romanticised sob-stories about Sherlock into the press, not to mention gathered information on all those juries he rigged, damn him. I never liked the man. - IA_

_He didn't possess the same finesse as you. Still...a dull knife can be more dangerous than a sharp one if handled incorrectly. - MW_

_Didn't? Abigail Grace Roxanne Adair...are you hiding something? - IA_

_Damn. - MW_

* * *

What have u done, Abbey, or Mary, or whoever you want to be called? - IA

Me? Why do u assume _I _did something?!

You are hiding something. 'Fess up, as they say! - IA

I didn't do anything. - MW

Don't lie to me, Mrs. Watson! I thought we were - somewhat - friends! - IA

As close to friends as a person can get in our line of work, yes. But I swear I'm not lying. I didn't kill him, no matter how much I wish it had been me to put the bullet in his brain. - MW

So is he dead, then? If he is and you weren't involved, who did kill him? - IA

Oh...your boyfriend. - MW

Boyfriend? Now, dear, you know I don't have boyfriends. - IA

And u know THAT is a load of utter crap! Whatever happened to 'I have no clear preference...'? - MW

Okay, fine, you caught me. Who did it? - IA

I told u...your boyfriend. - MW

Which one? - IA

I think u know, Irene Delilah Adler. How many straight-up, non-client _boy_friends have u had in your life? Three? Tops? U didn't even really date the girls. Come on! U should know this answer: the tall one with the curly hair and fondness for parading around in a sheet. - MW

Sherlock?! - IA

What the hell has the idiot done now?! - IA

… he's not my boyfriend. - IA

Oh nothing. Just stole a laptop containing top-secret government information from his brother (after drugging us all, I may add) and offering it over to Magnussen, only to then turn on him and shoot him between the eyes. It must have been an excellent shot...the bastard was declared dead on the scene. - MW

He's not your boyfriend? Uh-huh. Suuure. Whatever helps you sleep better at night, Irene. I suppose Kate wasn't your 'PA' either... - MW

So whats the repercussions? Sherlock can't go to prison…he'd cause a riot within 12 hours. - IA

Kate was… is… uh…just a friend! - IA

And Sherlock is NOT my boyfriend. He's more of an… acquaintance… - IA

He is currently under house arrest and climbing the walls. Big brother wasn't very happy, you see. - MW

Do you always keep numerous stalker-ish photographs of acquaintances on your phone long after they are relevant? I saw the one of him sleeping... - MW

Do you always hack the phones of your friends? - IA

I don't have to whenever she leaves it out on the dressing table while she's in the loo. - MW

Damn! How did you unlock it…? - IA

I AM _LOCKED? Please... - MW

That really is a dreadful pun...u know that, right? - MW

Oh, shut up! it kept him guessing for months! - IA

But he eventually did figure it out. I've heard the story from John. - MW

Hmph. Nothing's perfect. What...can your new hubby do codes any better against Sherlock…? IA

I am pretty sure he doesn't even try these days. - MW

Hmmmm. Interesting… - IA

What is so interesting? - MW

Nothing…nothing at all. - IA

Irene. Come on and spit it out. - MW

Why…? - IA

Because I can tell there is something nefarious or naughty on your mind...now what is it? - MW

Just…never mind. - IA

What is this about you and John busy 'moonlighting' I hear…? Do tell. ;) - IA

...Are u and Sherlock still in contact?! - MW

And didn't you and Dr. Watson go on a Sex Holiday not so long ago…? I seem to recall hearing or seeing that somewhere... - IA

We TOLD him not to post that on the blog! - MW

Now now, dear...don't splutter. This is SHERLOCK we are talking about! For 'The Virgin', he certainly can have a dirty mind... - IA

I know. Except whenever it's directed at himself. What the hell? - MW

He did post it on there, but I got it straight from the horses' mouth...if you'll pardon the expression. ;) - IA

Oooo...he is in SO much trouble! As soon as I'm back to fighting weight, I'm going to SCOUR that kitchen of his...all experiments will go and I'm taking his skull hostage! I knew he was commenting inappropriately while we were on our honeymoon (John told me) but this is really ASKING for it! - MW

'BACK TO FIGHTING WEIGHT'?! - IA

Um...did I say that? - MW

Yes. Yes, you did. What the bloody hell have you done? - IA

Oh...nothing. Just the normal things a married couple get up to. No whips or wall-shackles, though. - MW

That's more your style. - MW

Oh my God, Mary. There's something big you're not telling me. - IA

Big is the word. :P - MW

I'd beat it out of you, but I fear that the time is coming for me to meet with a client. But you WILL tell me, never fear! - IA

Oh will I? - MW

Yes you will, Abbey. Just because you went Light Side after laying eyes on that ADORABLE doctor at the pool, doesn't mean I don't know you. Text me again sometime, will you? Or maybe we should meet up for tea and girl talk? You can give me all the dirt on the Baker Street Boys. ;) - IA

Perhaps. Do you have my phone number? - MW

I expect you to text me, dear. I'm sure you have my number after this. - IA

Gotta run now, don't want to keep the clients waiting. - IA

I'll see you sometime soon...I'll have to come and help Sherlock with his boredom... ;) - IA

Goodbye, Mary. _So _good to hear from you again! - IA

Bye, Irene. - MW

... - IA

... - MW

Oh...and Mary? Make sure you delete this from both his phone and his archive. Wouldn't want that silly detective catching on to us, now would we? - IA

Thanks, Irene. I'm not an idiot, u know. God! U two really are made for each other! - MW

Perhaps, dear, perhaps. I'm not the sort to kiss and tell, though. - IA

Uh-huh. Right. And pigs fly to the cheese moon and back each spring. - MW

You'll find that nowadays, I've mended all my way. Repented, seen the light, and made a switch... - IA

God. Just...just don't quote Disney at me? It brings back uncomfortable flashbacks of sharing a flat with Sebastian and the boss one year in Prague. - MW

Sorry, darling. At least you get my references. Sherlock is more oblivious than that one angel of Thursday! Though he's definitely no angel... - IA

Certainly not. Of _course _The Virgin would go for the shameless dominatrix. - MW

You flatter me. - IA

No, I really don't. U listen good, Irene Adler. If Sherlock is happy with u, then I don't care how u both define your relationship...really I don't. But know this; if u hurt him, I will hurt u...understand? I will not bother with letting my husband or Mycroft Holmes or the dozen other organisations that want you dead know that u are alive. I will hunt u down myself and finish the job. So none of your shenanigans. - MW

Do you really think I would be so foolish as to lose the one Holmes brother willing to go to bat for me? - IA

I'm just handing out a friendly warning. - MW

One that is understood. I'm not going to hurt him...unless he asks for it. ;) - IA

See to it that you don't. Or else... - MW

Yes, yes...very enlightening. I promise. - IA

Good. I'm very glad to hear it. It would be a shame for us to go down that way. - MW

Oh shut up, honey. ttyl ;) - IA


	6. In Which Sherlock Is Encountered

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* * *

Goodbye. - I

Stop being a bigger idiot than usual, Lestrade. No one starts their conversations off with 'Goodbye'. Not even a drunk hamster! - SH

I am not 'Lestrade'. Who are you? And where is my Thief? - I

Who are YOU and why are you looking for a thief? - SH

I'm the TARDIS, or Idris, I'm not sure which. I could even be both. Or will be both. And I am looking for my Thief. - I

What the hell is a TARDIS? - SH

Me. - I

That isn't an answer. Are you brain-dead?! - SH

Time And Relative Dimension In Space. Names are such funny thing sometimes… - I

What the HELL? - SH

Has someone actually discovered a theorem to let them break through the light barrier? Fascinating but highly improbable! - SH

I travel through all of space and time. Hell or the light barrier have nothing to do with it! - I

Right... - SH

So what you are saying is that you are a time traveller? - SH

Why yes, I'd have thought that was obvious! - I

No. That is ludicrous. - SH

Why? - I

Because time travel doesn't exist. - SH

Says who?- I

Says myself, my brother, and the myriad of highly-trained scientists scattered all across the planet. Are you drunk? - SH

So what? Just because you humans say that doesn't mean its not real! But Pink and Yellow, The Other Doctor, Sister, The Orange one and The Pretty One all thought it didn't exist either…what was 'drunk'? - I

'You humans'? Are you attempting to imply that you are something other than human? You _must _be drunk. Or perhaps high... - SH

I am not a human. Are you? And are you flying? - I

You are insane. Why would I be flying? - SH

Because you asked if I was 'high'. You must be flying as well to ask that. - I

For God's sake! - SH

What are you on? - SH

I'm on the ground. Where are you? - I

Hopefully far away from whatever mental institute you escaped from. Are you _sure _you're not shooting up on something? Because, I must say, if this is what it does to the brain I want to make sure I stay away. - SH

I don't have a gun. My Thief doesn't like them… - I

He must be boring as hell, then. - SH

One thing my Thief is not, is boring. - I

Or would that be 'will not be'? I do get confused sometimes. - I

I scarcely consider _you _to be a reliable judge of that. - SH

I have been with him for over 900 years. I don't think YOU are reliable judge of that. - I

Since you are so delusional as to think that you have been with a man for over nine centuries (whether through 'immortality' or 'reincarnation'), I would say that I am a more reliable judge than you are. - SH

I have been with my Thief through 900 years of time and space and I will be with him for centuries to come. I stole him and he stole me. Together we have travelled the world saving all sorts of races. We have the ability to travel the Universe, and yet we always end up at Earth. We've met William Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth the First in the same week. Have you ever done that, sir? - I

Oh...you're one of the ones who thinks themselves to be Napoleon or Anastasia, aren't you? - SH

Oh, we still need to meet them! I'm sure we haven't yet! - I

I am very tempted to perform one of Doctor Watson's preferred gestures here... *facepalm* - SH

Oh, I love learning new things! *facepalm*? What is that? - I

It is where one slams the palm of their hand into their face with incredulous disgust. - SH

I want to try it! - I

… - I

Ow. That hurts. - I

'Duh'... - SH

What? What does that mean? - I

It means you are an idiot. - SH

Thank you! The Orange One calls the Pretty One an idiot all the time! - I

That's not a compliment. She probably is one. - SH

But he isn't. He's saved Orange's life more than my Thief has. - I

He?! I thought you said 'The Pretty One'...! - SH

He is very pretty. It's unfortunate about his nose though… - I

For God's sake! - SH

Go away and leave me alone. I'm going back to my reading. - SH

Well then, Mr Sherlock Holmes. Hello. - I

FOR GOD'S SAKE! - SH


	7. In Which Sherlock Is Asked After

.

* * *

**Authors' Note: **_This is a carry-over of a request made on 'Trepidation to Text' by **ShmooTheImpala **that we have finally worked up the courage to attempt. Enjoy! :)_

* * *

How goes my brother, Gregory? - MH

*splutters* What the HELL?! - GL

Mycroft! Do you really have to hack my computer right now? I was right in the middle of a report! - GL

Really, Gregory, such obscenities should be left to Doctor Watson, don't you think? - MH

I don't have time for your reports, and your wife trouble. And frankly I don't care, either. - MH

I'll damn well swear whenever I damn well please. It's the best response I can think of to someone hacking your computer to tsk tsk you. And I didn't ask you to care about my personal life. In fact...the further away you stay from that the happier I will be! - GL

Ah, but you see, that is impossible. I am the British Government. Therefore I know everything. I can also deduce it off you by your dishevelled appearance, spilt coffee, and leaky pen. - MH

I think I like dealing with Sherlock's tantrums and lack of filter better. - GL

What my brother does to get what he wants from you is entirely his concern. - MH

Why, God...do I look like Job?! - GL

What do you want, Mycroft? - GL

I have no knowledge or interest in who you were referring to. - MH

To know whether my dear brother has thrown himself off a roof again or not. - MH

Bloody Holmes always bloody well deleting things at the damn most convenient times... - GL

That. Isn't. Funny, Mycroft. Go screw yourself. - GL

Deleting that makes sure I have space to document all of Scotland Yard and your pitiful existence. I really have no idea of what that idiot brother of mine sees in you. - MH

That was rather vulgar, Gregory. - MH

I don't know what he does either. I guess that puts us in the same boat. - GL

Well if the skip fits... - GL

Believe me Gregory, we will never be in the same boat. - MH

…which it most definitely never will… - MH

Well thank God...I was starting to get worried there. At least now I know my humanity is still intact. - GL

Why on earth would you be getting worried about your _humanity_? You should be worrying more about the case that is going to land on your desk in the next ten minutes. And you will need my moronic brother. Phone him now, save us all the suffering of seeing you try to work something out by yourself, when clearly, you can't. - MH

Oh my God...just leave me alone? - GL

Once you have answered my question sufficiently, then yes, I shall. I have better things to do than 'shoot the breeze' with _you_. - MH

What questions? - GL

'Question'. Do open you eyes Gregory, they are there for a reason other than staring at other woman's derrières in the most cave-man like of fashions. - MH

Wha...I...MYCROFT! Is this a Holmes family trait or something?! - GL

I again have _no_ idea of what you are referring to. - MH

Oh GOD! Maybe I'll have to contact John and see if we can get a joint rate at his therapist's... - GL

I highly doubt that, as she only allows that for two individuals who are in a relationship together. Are you in one with Doctor Watson, Gregory? - MH

NO! - GL

I am MARRIED! And I'm quite certain he is already taken. - GL

When has being in a serious relationship with someone ever stopped others from 'fooling around' as the expression goes…? - MH

Mycroft...just stop. For your own good and my sanity. Just. Stop. - GL

Why should I do that? What are you going to do if I don't? Arrest me? - MH

I'm going to unplug my electronic devices if you don't. Just ask me your damn question and then get the hell away from me before I take a leaf out of John's book and start throwing punches. - GL

Now, now, Gregory, we are not high-school hooligans having a fight over some… goldfish, are we? - MH

I don't bloody well care about your damn fish fetish. Either ask me the damn question or leave me the hell alone! - GL

I think I shall have to bring the limosine around… - MH

...are you asking me on a date?! - GL

Because I certainly HOPE not! - GL

Don't flatter yourself, Gregory. - MH

That wouldn't have been flattering... - GL

You think I have any … feelings for you by automatically assuming I was offering to take you out on a 'date' - MH

God no! - GL

...I've been spending too much time with your brother. - GL

Yes Gregory, it appears you have. - MH

God help me. Speaking of your brother...what was the question you had about him? Just spit it out and lets get this over with. - GL

I was inquiring if you knew where he was, and how he is doing. - MH

He is at 221B Baker Street and is most likely driving Doctor Watson up the wall and across the ceiling. But surely you already knew that, given the rant I was treated to this morning about you bugging their bedrooms. - GL

You do realise just how creepily wrong that is, don't you? - GL

* * *

**TBC...?**


	8. In Which Sherlock Is Discussed

.

* * *

**Authors' Note: **_This is a carry-over of a request made on 'Trepidation to Text' by **ShmooTheImpala **that we have finally worked up the courage to attempt. Enjoy! :)_

* * *

**Previously...**

_How goes my brother, Gregory? - MH_

_*splutters* What the HELL?! - GL_

_Mycroft! Do you really have to hack my computer right now? I was right in the middle of a report! - GL_

_Really, Gregory, such obscenities should be left to Doctor Watson, don't you think? - MH_

_...I've been spending too much time with your brother. - GL_

_Yes Gregory, it appears you have. - MH_

_God help me. Speaking of your brother...what was the question you had about him? Just spit it out and lets get this over with. - GL_

_I was inquiring if you knew where he was, and how he is doing. - MH_

_He is at 221B Baker Street and is most likely driving Doctor Watson up the wall and across the ceiling. But surely you already knew that, given the rant I was treated to this morning about you bugging their bedrooms. - GL_

_You do realise just how creepily wrong that is, don't you? - GL_

* * *

People cannot physically go up the wall and across the ceiling, Gregory. Surely _you_ aren't as stupid as this idiot my brother keeps going on about, 'Anderson' is the name? If that is the case, I weep for the future of justice in London! - MH_  
_

Oh sweet God in Heaven! - GL

What on earth can he do to help you? - MH

Smite me so that I don't have to deal with bloody Holmes' any more? - GL

Big word, 'smite'. Are you sure you know what it means? - MH

Are you done? I mean...are there any other insults or personal questions you want to hand out? If not...THEN GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! I'm BUSY! - GL

Sitting with your feet on the desk, with a coffee and doughnuts, and continually spouting 'not our division' is you being busy? Dear, oh dear, this city is doomed! - MH

Are you TRYING to give me a stroke?! - GL

No, no, you are too valuable to this country for me to try and make you have a stroke… - MH

Somehow that is less than reassuring... - GL

It wasn't meant to be reassuring. - MH

Clearly. Now would you stop hacking my stuff? I am WORKING! - GL

Do enjoy those… I do believe chocolate coated, doughnuts, Mr. Lestrade. - MH

...do you have a camera installed in my office again? - GL

That's all sorts of creepy, Mycroft. I would sue if I thought it would get anywhere. - GL

And it's DETECTIVE INSPECTOR Lestrade, thank you very much! - GL

Why, Gregory, whatever makes you think that? - MH

I have the whole of Britain's Law on my side, Mr. Lestrade. You can try, but you will not get far. Unless you have a massive inheritance hidden somewhere… - MH

Oh piss off! - GL


	9. In Which Sherlock Is Complaining

.

* * *

**Authors' Note: **_This is from a request by **FantasyBard**. Thank you very much! :)_

* * *

This is preposterous! You're a married man! Why do we have to keep doing these 'movie nights'?! - SH

Because u still need to be educated with stuff from a place other than your Mind Palace library and bloody women's magazines! - JW

And Mary doesnt mind. Approves of it actually. She might join us one day… - JW

Yes, John, I might. I miss u being here… ;) - MW

Hello, Mary. Talk some sense into your husband, would you? - SH

OI! - JW

Hi Sherlock. Why the hell should I do that? - MW

Because he's torturing me in ways that are cruel and inhuman. - SH

Ooooh, John! Can I join in too…? ;) - MW

Mary! - JW

You are evil. - SH

Just shut up and finish microwaving the popcorn, John. If I must go through with this, then let's get it over with. - SH

Oh...and mind the nose on the top shelf there! - SH

I do believe I am not, Sherlock dear. - MW

What are u watching that is so tortuous, anyway?- MW

Lovely. Just what I wanted to see. A nose. Without a face attached to it. Charming. - JW

And now the Watsons are united in evil. You two really are made for each other, you do realise that, right? - SH

Mary, John is making me watch some measly-peasly, hodge-podge, childish flick called 'Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl' that is bound to disintegrate my brain into hopeless dry rot. - SH

What evil?! Making popcorn and watching a film together isnt evil. No more than keeping a disembodied nose in your kitchen, anyway. By watch stretch of the imagination would that be evil? Popcorn isnt really alive anymore, I am not murdering anything. Where do u come up with this stuff?! - JW

POTC is a lovely flick, dear. Shut the hell up and watch it, u big baby! - MW

I hate you. - SH

No u don't. - MW

No u dont - JW

And stop pouting, Sherlock. U don't want your face to freeze like that, right? I know a certain lady who might not like u as much if that happened... ;) - MW

Oh shut up! - SH

No! - JW

Why? - MW

I need a cigarette... - SH

Um… - MW

NO. YOU. DO. NOT! - JW

Yes. I. DO! It's the only non-illegal way that I'm going to get through this film with my sanity intact! - SH

Sherlock. Cold. Turkey. Okay?! -JW

And the movie isnt that bad. Its one of Marys favourites… - JW

And you should see her walk on water! - SH

I hate cold turkey. Cold turkey is for wimps! - SH

It's stupid! - SH

Hmm, thanks for the idea, Sherlock dear. Being pregnant with all the weight and strange cravings is becoming boring. Fast. - MW

For wimps who still wanna breathe when theyre 80, and not look like a bloody Terminator because theyre so hooked up on machines! - JW

Its so not stupid! - JW

You're welcome, Mary. They do say that aqua therapy is good for certain aches and pains associated with child bearing. Some women even give birth in a pool of water. Water births, I think they're called. - SH

I'm probably not going to see 80, John, so why bother? Carpe Diem and all that. - SH

Uh… thanks…? - MW

Lovely. Bundle of laughs u are, Sherlock! - JW

What do you want me to do, John? Don a tuxedo and start dancing to 'Putting on the Ritz'? - SH

My eyes! - MW

Just watch the movie? - JW

Oh for God's sake! This is ridiculous! No one could EVER survive that many bullets being shot at them...how stupid does this film think I am? - SH

And swinging around like you're Tarzan? Real pirates wouldn't do that! - SH

SHUT UP AND WATCH THE DAMN FILM! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! - JW

Sherlock, I suggest, for your safety, u shut the hell up. John is going nuclear… - MW

Nuclear? Really? Do you think I could draw some samples off, then? I've been wanting to experiment with radioactive compounds for _ages_! - SH

*facepalm* Its an expression. What I am trying to say is he is getting VERY mad. And u aren't helping matters… - MW

Oh... - SH

Why are you mad, John? - SH

Oh I WONDER! - JW

Just watch the damn movie and eat ur popcorn and STOP BLOODY TEXTING. - JW

Better do as he says, Sherlock. I think u two are just getting to the good part... - MW


	10. In Which Sherlock Is Left Out

.

* * *

Dude...I think your gigantor socks have started moving on their own. Is there a law against stocking fornication in this country? - DW

I TOLD you it was your turn to do the washing, _Samantha_! - DW

Hello? Who is this? And who the hell is Samantha? I already have a wife, thank u! - JW

Who the hell are you? - DW

Oh...ha ha, very funny, Sam. Now man up and get your ass back here before your laundry goes kamikaze! - DW

I don't like the way your shirt is looking at me... - DW

I am Captain John Watson of the 5th Northumberland Fusiliers, who the hell may I ask are u? - JW

Who is Sam? Oh, god, wait. SHERLOCK, I swear if this is u, Im telling Lestrade where all his missing badges have gone! - JW

...you know, I've met suicidal monsters. I've met insane monsters. I've even met DUMBASS monsters. But NONE of them equal to the sheer mental bowl blockage of stupidity that you are exhibiting. It's bad enough that you pretend to be our dad (Who is dead, by the way, in case you didn't get the memo...and do you know what we did to the _last _guy to try such a stunt?!), but for you to not even get his country of origin right is just an INSULT! Better start running...because you're next on my To-Gank list! - DW

And WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE WITH SAM?! I _swear..._if you've hurt him I'm going to rip your lungs out and stuff 'em back up your ass! - DW

…who the BLOODY HELL do u think u are?! - JW

And I have no idea of what or who u are talking about! - JW

'JW' ringing a bell? If you're going to steal Dad's initials, at least get the last name right. Now what have you done with my brother?! - DW

Unless your fathers surname is 'Watson' and I have a long-lost relation, I have no idea who or what the hell u are talking about! - JW

If u have a mystery that needs to be solved, I shall give you the contact details of my best friend Sherlock Holmes. He's a detective. - JW

Enough of this pussy-footing around crap! Where's Sam? You better tell me, you bastard son of a bitch, so I can rip your lungs out! - DW

Dude! Dean! Who are you talking to? Somehow I don't think that high level of diplomacy is going to help your case any. - SW

I'm Sam, the brother he has been mindlessly threatening you about. I apologise for my brother...he can be a bit of a Neanderthal whenever he's mother-henning. - SW

Oh bite me, lawyer-boy! - DW

I dont understand how u two pillocks have managed to contact me. What the hell do u want?! - JW

I have no idea. - SW

Who the HELL are you?! And how did you get my number? - DW

Excuse me, MATE, its U who has MY number! - JW

Excuse _me..._MATE?! - DW

Chill, Dean. We're in the UK and you're making a jackass out of yourself. Stop pissing and moaning at a stranger. JW, whoever you are, I again apologise for my brother's manners. We were just over here to finish up a job and he's on edge about the flight home. - SW

Yes, excuse you! Bloody Yanks! - JW

Mr Sam, apology accepted. I am JOHN WATSON. Nothing to do whatsoever with u, your brother, or your father. - JW

Excuse YOU, you 'bloody' tea-drinking Brits. - DW

Sam...stop talking to the Englishman. We found Crowley's bones, now let's get the hell out of here. Your laundry needs done too. - DW

Our flight doesn't leave for another five hours, Dean. So don't hyperventilate. We don't have any paper bags, so you'd have to use my sock. - SW

YECH! I'd rather go back to Hell! - DW

Well, at least I wont see u ever again. Hear from u. Bloody hell! - JW

What bones? Do I need to call Lestrade? - JW

CRAP! - SW

Oh, y'know, we just needed to freakin' fly over here in one of those damn things they call an airplane to scour Scotland and find some bastard's grave so we could dig up his bones and threaten to torch them in order to scare his demonic ass into order. Just another day's work, really. - DW

Dean! - SW

What? It isn't like he's going to believe us anyway. And even if he did, we're in freakin' England! No one we meet here is ever going to affect our lives again! - DW

First off - we're in Scotland, not England, and it's technically called the United Kingdom of Great Britain. Secondly, I'm pretty sure it's 'effect', not 'affect'. And thirdly...SHUT THE HELL UP! - SW

Bones? Demons? Bloody hell! Who the hell ARE u two idiots?! Listen, my psychiatrist gives group rates for couples at her offices. I think u need help, look heres her number: 555-789 8318 Call her, I'm sure she would be happy 2 help! - JW

Who are we? I think a more appropriate question would be...WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ASSUMING WE'RE GAY? I mean...God! That's just sick! We're _brothers_, for Christ's sake! - DW

Don't take the name of the Lord in vain like that, Dean. You _know _Castiel doesn't approve. - SW

Why is he fine with me using 'God' but not 'Christ'? - DW

It's probably some strange form of Heavenly Curse Rating...how should I know? - SW

Thank you for the offer, Mr. Watson. But I assure you that we're both quite sane. Or, well, mostly. Kind of. It's highly-functioning insanity, all right? - SW

Riiiight. - JW

* * *

**TBC...because we're already pushing 1,000 words.**


	11. In Which Sherlock Joins In

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_Dude...I think your gigantor socks have started moving on their own. Is there a law against stocking fornication in this country? - DW_

_I TOLD you it was your turn to do the washing, Samantha! - DW_

_Hello? Who is this? And who the hell is Samantha? I already have a wife, thank u! - JW_

_Who the hell are you? - DW_

_I am Captain John Watson of the 5th Northumberland Fusiliers, who the hell may I ask are u? - JW_

_My therapist offers a good group rate for couples... - JW_

_Who are we? I think a more appropriate question would be...WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP ASSUMING WE'RE GAY? I mean...God! That's just sick! We're brothers, for Christ's sake! - DW_

_Don't take the name of the Lord in vain like that, Dean. You know Castiel doesn't approve. - SW_

_Why is he fine with me using 'God' but not 'Christ'? - DW_

_It's probably some strange form of Heavenly Curse Rating...how should I know? - SW_

_Thank you for the offer, Mr. Watson. But I assure you that we're both quite sane. Or, well, mostly. Kind of. It's highly-functioning insanity, all right? - SW_

_Riiiight. - JW_

* * *

Believe me, Dean, I know how u feel. Its bad when its friends, but BROTHERS? That must be so much worse… - JW

Ooooh, 'Castiel' is another bonkers brother? How charming. - JW

Oh, not the 'high-functioning' crap again! Isnt it coming from one arrogant sod enough?! Who am I, Job?! - JW

Who the hell is 'Job'? - DW

Read the Bible, dude. Or ask Cas. - SW

Your brother? Is he a reverend or something? JW

Or something. Cas isn't exactly our _brother. _I mean...we're not the same species. I'm not even sure if angels actually have a gender or not. But, yeah, he's a good friend with a woeful lack of social skills and pop culture understanding. So play nice. - SW

Hey...wait a minute, _John_. Who are YOU calling arrogant?! - DW

Well if the shoe fits, Dean. What was it you said when they asked why you got pulled from the Pit? Something about your perky nipples? - SW

Sammy. Do you have ANY idea how wrong that sounds coming from your mouth? - DW

Just as wrong as YOU doing reader's theater with a virgin's very secret diary. - SW

Shut up. - DW

ANGELS EXIST?! Hmmm, maybe him and a person I know should meet up… - JW

Ah, so its Sam and Dean Winchester then, eh? Interesting… - JW

Not even gonna try and comprehend what the hell u two were waffling on about there… 0.o - JW

Damn straight angels exist...and they're a damn pain in the ass! - DW

Except for Cas. - SW

He tries his best. - DW

Oh. Hello, John. Who are you talking to? - SH

Angels… exist? If they do then does that mean all the other… things exist too…? - JW

Sher-Sherlock! Hey. Good to see u, mate. Got a new case…? - JW

Dean would you PLEASE shut up and work out your personal feelings concerning Cas's brothers later? We do our job and we shut up about it...no getting the civilians involved. Are you high? - SW

God I wish. Maybe then I wouldn't have to worry about another freakin' possessed co-pilot sabotaging a TRANS-ATLANTIC flight! - DW

I'll supply the barf bags. - SW

No, I fear that there is not a case on at the moment. I was merely inquiring to see if you know where Mary keeps her supply of bullets. I am out and I have a vital experiment to conduct. - SH

What job? High? Civilians? Demons possessing planes?! Please tell me this is another loony dream of mine! - JW

Bathroom, First Aid Kit, under the bandages. Oh, and Sherlock? Break or shoot anything, and I will kick your scrawny arse all across the country. Savvy? - JW

The only person getting high around here should be me. I deserve it after refraining from strangling Anderson after he broke into the flat last night and disfigured Billy with a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. - SH

Who are you two again? - SH

Just a poor, wayfarin' stranger. Wanderin' through this world of woe! - DW

Never do that again, please? - SW

I apologize AGAIN for my idiot of a brother. We'll just be going now and stop bothering you. - SW

Who are you? - SH

Sherlock, NO DRUGS! If u do I will kick u 2 GLASGOW and back! - JW

They, Sherlock, are the mysterious Sam and Dean 'W'… - JW

Demons...angels...hell...civilians...Sam and Dean W...oh my God! - SH

Do you know who we've got here, John? - SH

No, I dont. Why, do u know who these two - well one. I like u, Sam - idiot Yanks are? - JW

John. These are the infamous Brothers Grimm! Oh how exciting! - SH

Uh...we'll just be going... - DW

No, no. Not at all. Allow me to introduce myself...I am Sherlock Holmes, the world's only Consulting Detective, and the man you have been talking with is my best friend, Doctor John Watson - formerly Captain John Watson of the 5th Northumberland Fusiliers. It is a _pleasure _to meet you! - SH

Um. Okay? - DW

*facepalm* Sherlock, the Brothers Grimm are DEAD. Like thousands of years dead. Also their initials dont end in 'G'… - JW

The Grimm brothers are dead, though, right…? I mean, u havent been experimenting with necromancy or anything dumb like that, have u? Because Im pretty sure that bringing Jack the Ripper back from the dead just so u can interview him is one of those socially unacceptable things we were discussing the other day. - JW

No, no, no, John. Do try to keep up! Several years ago in America there was a case that skated just below the FBI Most Wanted list - two brothers that were serial killers of the most elegant skill and method. They were given the nickname The Brothers Grimm because of the bizarre and sometimes fantastical elements to their crimes. They were like ghosts, flitting from town to town and hiding the majority of their killings under cases involving freak accidents and wild animal attacks. They were also supposedly dead as of an explosion in 2008, but as you well know dead doesn't always mean DEAD. We are in the presence of masters! - SH

Why do I feel like Bieber at a groupie rally? - DW

Dean. Shut up and let's go! - SW

No you shut up. I want to know how this guy figured all of that out so fast. - DW

Seriously, Sherlock! Next you'll be telling me that Sasquatch exists, and Bloody Mary really does come out the mirror if u say 'bloody Mary' three times in a row! - JW

I think youve been spending waaaay too much time with Mycroft, mate! - JW

Actually, Sasquatch does exist, he's sitting right across the motel room and glaring at me. - DW

DEAN! Stop talking and let's go! - SW

I'm not getting on a plane until it's absolutely necessary, so I'm going to sit here and talk with these gentlemen until the enth hour. Sue me! - DW

I am offended, John. You know I never spend more time with that pompous windbag than is strictly necessary! - SH

By the way, 'blokes', Bloody Mary is real too. And a lot uglier than the illustrations would let you believe. - DW

You see, John? This was the beauty of their method! - SH

What the HELL?! - JW

I second that... - DW

* * *

**TBC...we're planning on tackling requests next, so be ready for that. :)**


	12. In Which Sherlock Is Fanboying A Bit

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_No, no, no, John. Do try to keep up! Several years ago in America there was a case that skated just below the FBI Most Wanted list - two brothers that were serial killers of the most elegant skill and method. They were given the nickname The Brothers Grimm because of the bizarre and sometimes fantastical elements to their crimes. They were like ghosts, flitting from town to town and hiding the majority of their killings under cases involving freak accidents and wild animal attacks. They were also supposedly dead as of an explosion in 2008, but as you well know dead doesn't always mean DEAD. We are in the presence of masters! - SH_

_Why do I feel like Bieber at a groupie rally? - DW_

_Seriously, Sherlock! Next you'll be telling me that Sasquatch exists, and Bloody Mary really does come out the mirror if u say 'bloody Mary' three times in a row! - JW_

_Actually, Sasquatch does exist, he's sitting right across the motel room and glaring at me. - DW_

_DEAN! Stop talking and let's go! - SW_

_I'm not getting on a plane until it's absolutely necessary, so I'm going to sit here and talk with these gentlemen until the enth hour. Sue me! - DW_

_By the way, 'blokes', Bloody Mary is real too. And a lot uglier than the illustrations would let you believe. - DW_

_You see, John? This was the beauty of their method! - SH_

_What the HELL?! - JW_

_I second that... - DW_

* * *

No! Just NO! None of this exists! Thank u for one of the most weird dreams I have ever had! - JW

Are you questioning my knowledge of the criminal database, John? - SH

What the hell? These are just two moronic Yanks who are being idiotic! - JW

Gee, thanks, I'm really feeling the love. - DW

No, no. Come on, John, use your brain! Sam and Dean 'W' clearly are Sam and Dean Winchester. What are the odds of another two brothers, with a father named 'John', travelling together and spouting off nonsense about ghosts and goblins and other things from Grimm's Fairy Tales and various world myths. - SH

Well he's certainly done his research, Sammy. - DW

Dean, do I have to gag you before you get us arrested? Again! - SW

Sam, Dean, is this true?! - JW

And I'm NOT stupid, Sherlock! - JW

'Fraid so, doc. But he forgot to mention the fact that I am by far the more handsome brother. - DW

And your ego doesn't fit through the door without a cattle prod. - SW

You see, John? You see? - SH

No Sherlock, all I see is u poking your nose were it doesnt belong. Again. These two blokes are just doing their job. They may be the only ones in their profession, much like u! - JW

Oh for God's sake! - SH

See, Sammy? They don't believe us even whenever we tell the truth. - DW

And last time we did that we ended up in a mental institute, Dean. - SW

So, Messrs. Winchester. How did you do it? - SH

Sherlock, these blokes have got to jump on a plane, soon! Don't bother them. - JW

Shut up, John. This may be my only chance to talk with them. - SH

So. How did you do it? - SH

Sorry...but how did we do _what_? - DW

Fake your own deaths not once but twice. Once is impressive (I, myself, have managed to do so once) but twice? And to stay so effectively under the radar for so long? I _am _impressed. - SH

*groans* - JW

Wellll, you see, it was a rather funny thing the first time. - DW

Dean. Are you REALLY sure this is a good idea? - SW

What are they going to do? We're leaving the country and ditching these phones anyway. - DW

So, Sherlock, you still listening? - DW

Yes. - SH

Well you know the murders in St. Louis? - DW

You mean the ones where you tied up several women by masquerading as their husband and tortured them to death? Yes, I am aware. - SH

Oh. My. God! - JW

Profound, John. Now shut up so Dean can answer! - SH

Yeah. That sicko bastard wasn't me. It was a shapeshifter (and yes they exist, don't make me do the whole 'the truth is out there speech') that looked like me. Long story short, it decided to beat on Sammy here, so I shot it in the chest. Authorities found it and not me and declared me dead. I had nothing to do with that, not my fault they're al idiots. - DW

I'll concur with that. - SH

And I didn't even get to go to my own funeral! - DW

It's not as exciting as you seem to think, trust me. - SH

Oh my God... - SW

Sherlock… were…were u there? At your own funereal? - JW

Um... - SH

Dean, tell me more about this 'shapeshifter'. - SH

Dude. You seriously believe us? - DW

No. But it sounds like an interesting peek into your psychosis. - SH

Just ignore me, then! - JW

Sorry, John. But what do you want me to say? - SH

Um...do you two need time alone or something? Because we're perfectly happy to just be on our way. - SW

No! I want to hear about this 'shapeshifter'! - SH

Anything BUT silence! - JW

WERE u at your funeral? - JW

Fine. In answer to your question, John. Yes I was at my funeral. I barely made it after Molly didn't want to let me out of the flat, but I did make it. Do you remember my 'Aunt Mafalda'? - SH

Now do tell, Dean. - SH

Shapeshifters are kinda like human mutants. Ever seen the X-Men? - DW

Who? - SH

(Really need to introduce you to Cas...) Never mind. Anyway...sometimes somehow the human DNA gets a bit scrambled and produces a mutation that allows it to change into any humanoid, simply by shedding its skin and growing a new one. There is lore all over the world about them and they're annoying as hell. - DW

But surprisingly helpful in taking the fall for the killing spree that they framed you for in the first place. - SW

Okay... - SH

So how do you explain the explosion? - SH

Aunt Mafalda? Yeah… what a horrendous old woman! - JW

Explosions and shapeshifters?! Oh my God! - JW

Yeah, 'the truth is stranger than fiction'...and all that shit. - DW

John? 'Aunt Mafalda' was me. It was the only way I could give Mycroft the slip. - SH

And people say _our _conversations are strange?! - SW

To be fair, Sam, we have done some pretty odd things in the name of the family business. - DW

Like blowing up a police station after getting a federal agent to call in an official report of your demise? - SH

Wait, wait, wait...oh my God! What the HELL?! Sherlock! How are u such a good horrible old lady?! - JW

...I thought I pulled it off rather well. - SH

That explosion wasn't our fault. - DW

We didn't set it off at any rate. - SW

Shut up, Sammy. It wasn't our fault. - DW

Sherlock! U were horrible as 'Aunt Mafalda'! Though I thought there was something familiar about her eyes… - JW

What explosion?! What? I feel like I'm a step behind this conversation... - JW

What was so horrible about it? - SH

Oh the second time we died in the eyes of the law (to be distinguished from the other times we have died) some demonic bitch wearing a poor kid blew up the station and everyone in it _after _we had left. Hendrickson, the poor bastard, never had a chance. - DW

I'm assuming you are referring to Special Agent Victor Hendrickson? - SH

Yeah. Like I said, poor bastard. - DW

Um...Sherlock? Can I call you Sherlock? - SW

Of course, please do. - SH

How is it that you know so much about us? I mean...I'm pretty sure some of this stuff is classified. And we've been off the radar for years. - SW

Sherlock...u were a crochety old lady! The voice, the way u dressed, everything. Holy… does that mean u heard everything I said afterwards as well?! - JW

Uh, Dean…? Everything u just said made no sense. Whatsoever. - JW

Well it wouldn't, would it? Do I REALLY have to do 'The Truth Is Out There'?! - DW

No Dean, u dont. I watch X-Files too… - JW

I said I heard you, didn't I? You told me to stop being dead. And I did. - SH

So what you're saying is that a _shapeshifter _killed those women in St. Louis and a _demon _blew up the police station? - SH

Damn straight. - DW

Fascinating. - SH

Excuse me...how do you know all these things about us? - SW

It's my job to know about criminals, both from Britain and from other countries. I have been fascinated by your unusual case for years. It has been an honour to speak with you directly...oh it's Christmas! - SH

Great. U stopped being dead. I see that. U couldn't have done it in a little less time than TWO YEARS?! - JW

And I wish u would say its Christmas when it actually IS Christmas, Sherlock… - JW

I apologise for not taking down an entire criminal web that spanned all over the world with a snap of my fingers. I'm not a magician, John, nor am I an angel. - SH

I was wondering when the snark was coming into play! Though, according to our two new friends here, there are such things as angels. Cast steel or something. - JW

Castiel, John. Castiel...the Angel of Thursday. Do try to keep up. - SH

I hate to tell you, John old buddy, but X-Files is a TV show...this is real. - DW

Oh brother...I'm just going to advise you to start salting your doors and windows as a precaution because I think the supernatural world can sense whenever someone finds out about it. - SW

I… I still cant believe this is… this is real? Either it is...or I am drunk. - JW

Sam, what sort of salt would you advise us to use? This could be an interesting experiment in human nature, superstition, and reaction! - SH

Uh, well, Dean and I usually just use rock salt. But any type of salt will work, just so long as the line stretches over the entire opening and remains unbroken. - SW

See, Sam? I told you talking to these fine gentlemen would be a good idea! - DW

Wasn't one of them the guy you were in an insult contest with not long ago? - SW

Hell no, not me! Never! Besides...they're fans that haven't read the books and actually have brains! - DW

Thank you. - SH

But Dean, um, in case you've forgotten...he's a fan of our 'criminal work'. - SW

Indeed I am, I have never seen anything like it in all my years of being a Consulting Detective. It really is quite impressive. - SH

Shut up, Sherlock! - JW

Right, then we are going shopping! - JW

Why, what do your fans usually have…? Dont worry, ours think we are gay (or sleeping together...not really sure how they rationlise that away), and are obsessed wth Sherlocks 'death frisbee'… is your worse? - JW

Sherlock's death frisbee? Is that a euphemism for something? - DW

Ours think we are together too. Like...together together. And they read books about us that we're not entirely sure what all is in there and I REALLY hope that my first freshman party isn't included... - SW

Sam also has a personal stalker. - DW

Nah, that's what he's named the hat (a deerstalker) that the press took a picture of him in (and have used it when referring to him. Every single time) that. Dont ask. This is the same dweeb who puts heads in freezers and toes in the sugar tins…! - JW

Ah, so u have found 'fanfiction' then? Well whatever they write, its all still better than Twilight… - JW

AMEN! Those aren't vampires...they're douchebags! - DW

I know! They sparkle! And people think Sherlock and I are gay?! - JW

Heads in the freezer? Can't be worse than Dean's food. - SW

What's wrong with my food? - DW

It's not food any more, Dean. It's Darwinism! - SW

Oh...interesting! - SH

It was just an expression Sherlock! - JW

Wait...really, Sam? A stalker? Why…? - JW

Because some girl likes his pretty hazel eyes. - DW

Hmm, pretty eyes, eh? Take care mate, fans can be rabid! - JW

We know. Ever hear of LARPing? - SW

Excuse me?! - JW

LARPing. It stands for Live Action Role Play and it's one of Dean's favourite activities. - SW

Shut the hell up, Sam! Don't we have a plane to catch? - DW

Not for another two hours, as you reminded me. Why don't you tell John and Sherlock about LARPing? - SW

Fine. It sucks and the people who do it are annoying...especially whenever they're cosplaying as me. Happy? - DW

So THATS what thats called! I've seen so many sods walking around in a Belstaff, purple shirt and deerstalker, that I stopped having to do a double take to make sure its not Sherlock! Fortunately most of them arent quite skinny enough... - JW

Do u two wanna know what the fangirls call that purple shirt…? - JW

John, why would they possibly want to know about the babblings of a bunch of mental defects? - SH

Actually, I'm rather curious now... - DW

Sorry, Sherlock. - SW

I have my sources… - JW

'The Purple Shirt of Sex' with a trademark. Look I even have a picture! *message sent with image attached* - JW

Oooo... - DW

Sam, why can't _I _have a shirt of sex?! - DW

Dear God, we've created a monster! - SW

Sorry, Sam, mate. xP - JW

I'll have you know that that purple shirt is a valuable reconnaissance tool. - SH

Yeah I'll bet. Do you use it on all the girls you have to interview? Damn! - DW

Yeah, u get in a tizzy if so much as a speck of dirt lands on it! - JW

Uh… Dean? I strongly advise u to shut up. He doesnt do… girls… - JW

And before u ask, he doesnt do blokes either. He's married to 'The Work'… - JW

Ah... - DW

Oh crap! Mary's in trouble! Mates, it was great meeting u, I can tell it made Sherlock very excited. Dean, the flight'll be okay...just dont look down. And Sam? I salute u! Ill look into the salt once I take care of my wife, better safe than sorry! - JW

Shut up, Sherlock. Treat it like an experiment...now lets GO! - JW

Good luck with this Mary chick! - DW

It was a pleasure to meet you, Sam and Dean Winchester. Most fascinating to study your minds and delusions. Do keep in touch...you have my number now. Write it down, don't take the phones with you when you leave. I would _hate _it if my brother decided to poke his nose in. And now I fear I must go and assist my partner. Good day, gentlemen. - SH

See ya'! - DW

What the hell just happened?! - SW

And why weren't we arrested? - SW

Because I'm awesome, Sammy. Now shut up and do your laundry! I'll definitely hurl on the flight if I have to smell your socks for much longer! - DW


	13. In Which Sherlock Is Annoyed

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**Authors' Note: **_This chapter comes from a guest request (and yes I do know that I'm a poet...) So you know who you are and we hope you_ all_ enjoy it! :)_

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Lestrade. Pull up the Dent file and send me the pictures of his towel. - SH

Oh. Sherlock. Come off your cloud have you? - A

What the hell? _Anderson_?! - SH

Oh God I've died and gone to Hell. And it's BORING! - SH

Yes. Anderson. - A

Hell wouldn't be as nice as this for you. - A

No. Hopefully it would be a lot more interesting. Go and fetch Lestrade before my brain implodes from proximity to your idiocy, would you? - SH

Make me. Last I looked you were not my commanding officer. - A

Thank God. If I was I would have killed myself out of despair years ago. - SH

I wouldve helped to hide the body. - A

Then it would have been found before I was even cold. How dull. Now go and get Lestrade. I would ask you to send the files, but as you can't even find your own arse without both hands, a map, and Sergeant Donovan's assistance I highly doubt your ability to pull up the correct photo from the Dent Disappearance case. - SH

Hmm, sounds like you with food. God knows how you are surviving! And, for your information, you'll get more information out of 'The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy' than that file. - A

Food is unimportant. I'm working. The brain is what counts, everything else is just transport. Not that you would understand seeing as how you would have to _have _a brain first. An upstairs brain, that is... - SH

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy? What blithering idiocy is that?! - SH

You dont have a downstairs one, so dont come with that crap. - A

It is a book that Douglas Adams has written, documenting what he thinks happened to the towel-fetish idiot. - A

Really, Anderson? We're going to descend into _that _sort of contest? I am disappointed. I shall have to downgrade you from 'idiot' to 'brainless-sea-jelly-that-rotted-two-weeks-ago'. I have one on my coffee table right now to submit as comparative evidence. - SH

Towel-Fetish. _Towel_-Fetish? And what...he travels with aliens?! - SH

Yeah, well, at least I can talk to _normal _people without offending them when I open my bloody mouth! - A

Now I know who Marvin The Paranoid Android reminds me of. - A

Normal people are boring. Why would I want to talk to them unless it was strictly necessary? And are we discussing a case or another trip into your mad fan crazes? Because if it's the latter I'm just going to sod protocol and hack your database again to get my file. - SH

And you wonder why we all hate you… well anyone human would. - A

Then anyone human is a moron, just as I've always suspected. The file, NOW. - SH

Unless you want me to upload incriminating material to your hard-drive and then schedule a systems check. It would be _so _interesting to see what the reaction of your superintendent would be to multiple security breaches and a stash of gay porn would be. - SH

No, its _you _who is a moron. - A

Go to hell. Preferably soon. - A

If it means I would be away from baboons such as you then I would march into perdition this very second. Sadly, though, Hades is sure to be populated by all sorts of dull, boring, and very much dead individuals who were too stupid not to get caught. Or at least it would be if it actually existed, which is still in debate. Give me the file or else I'm uploading the porn in 3...2...1... - SH

And it is 'you who _are _a moron' not 'you who _is _a moron'...really, _Anderson_. I'm ashamed of you! - SH

Oooh, I'm shaking in my custom-made baby-seal-leather boots! - A

What Sally sees in you I will never understand. She really _must _be desperate. - SH

I left Primary School and my grammar teacher years ago. I dont need you to take her place thank you very much. - A

My love life is no interest to you. Now get your stupid nose out of my life and piss off! - A

Would that I could, Anderson, would that I could. Unfortunately I need a file and I am ill-disposed to walk into the festering madhouse that is NSY at the moment, so I am not going anywhere until someone forwards it to me. I should think you would want to avoid the system overhaul that was forced last time I hacked into the files. - SH

I dont give a rats arse! You are a lazy git who thinks he's better than the rest of us, just because of his mind tricks, but really he is a MASSIVE PILLOCK! - A

Thank you for the bracing self-help advice, Anderson. Now about the file... - SH

Didnt you hear me?! PISS. OFF! Go bother doughnut face! This actually IS his division! - A

You really shouldn't speak about your superior that way, Anderson. Bad attitude makes for a glass ceiling and no amount of shagging your mother's sister's ex-husband the Chief Superintendent's secretary on the other side (from Donovan, that is) will allow you to circumvent that. - SH

Bloody hell! Should I put this in other words: BUGGER THE BLOODY HELL OFF?! - A

Not until I get that file. Do you want me to solve the case or not? I may be incredible, but even I need something to work with. - SH

Go bother Lestrade, Ive got bodies to work on. You wont ge anywhere with the file. You will get more out of 'The Trilogy of Five' - A

I'm not interested in your damn fan-fetishes, Anderson. Though I'll admit that this one is marginally more interesting than 'Anime'...what I want is that file. And you are currently texting with Lestrade's phone, in case you haven't noticed. So that suggests that either one of your co-workers is playing a prank on you in recompense for your being a jerkish idiot or Lestrade is not there and instructed you to take care of incoming calls. Given the average intelligence quota and imagination of the Yarders, I am going with the latter explanation. File. Now. - SH

I. Said. NO. - A

Do I have to come over there? - SH

Not particularly. But I'll get you the file if it'll get you off my arse. I hope you choke on the next thing you eat! - A

Good job I don't eat while I'm working, then. I would hate to expire and leave you sheep you blunder your way through this case alone. It would probably never be solved, then. - SH

Excuse me, but we could cope before you and your big head showed up! - A

Hardly. - SH

I have the file downloaded. So go ahead and scurry off to whatever dark corner you crawled out of. Snog Secretary Belinda or shag Donovan or whatever it is you do all day. Don't let me detain you... - SH

Oh, believe me, you wont. - A


	14. In Which Sherlock Is Critiquing

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**Authors' Note: **_This chapter is something that SEVERAL people have suggested over the time that this fic (and its predecessor) have been going. We wanted to do it, but had to wait until one member of our collaboration (we're not going to tell you which one) had seen the film. Needless to say, the balance of the world has been restored and we are going to give you the chapter you've been waiting for. Enjoy! :D__  
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Sherlooock! Guess what time it is! - JW

Six-o-clock post-meridian on a Friday night? - SH

Thats right! And MOVIE NIGHT! - JW

Oh for God's sake! - SH

C'mon, mate, Ive got a good one tonight! - JW

That is highly improbable. What's the torture method going to be tonight? _Buffy_? _Disney_? Or another abominable sequel to the perverted green mutant from Hell? - SH

Actually a sequel to a movie we saw at the cinema a while back. The Hobbit Part 2 has just come out! - JW

Oh _God_...I'm going back to my dinner. The book was better. - SH

I agree with both of those (u eating and the book being better) but u need 2 watch it. Everyone is buzzing about it, and for u 2 understand u need to watch it, okay? So clear off the coffee table and empty the microwave. As soon as I get home we're gonna relax and watch this flick. - JW

No. - SH

Uh, yes. - JW

No. - SH

I am _busy_! - SH

Yeah, VERY busy, I can SEE that, considering I just walked through the door and, instead of answering like a civil human being, youre still bloody texting me. :P - JW

I'm eating. Isn't that what you're always nagging me to do? - SH

Yeah, food that is so VERY healthy. :P Besides, its tv food, easy to eat while watching something! - JW

You're not going to let me get out of this, are you? - SH

Nope! When have I ever let you get out of something? - JW

Then let's get this over with. What film are we watching? - SH

The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug. - JW

Don't jump up and down with happiness, Sherlock… - JW

I won't, I assure you. - SH

Did you make popcorn? - SH

I know u wont. It was a sarcastic saying. - JW

Of course I did! Theres no point on watching a movie without popcorn! What flavour? I have a few… - JW

Caramel? - SH

Uh… here you go. I'll have the Salt And Vinegar. - JW

Fine. Let's just get through this film starring your slightly prissier twin as quickly as possible. - SH

And I'm not responsible for the laundry for a week. - SH

BILBO IS NOT PRISSY. OR MY TWIN! - JW

U never do the laundry to begin with...but deal. Just watch the film! - JW

Oh for God's sake! Those roofs are _glowing_! Do they actually expect us to believe that that's real?! - SH

Good God! That cant be right! - JW

Well they are. And I'm pretty sure that Bree doesn't have iridescent lights installed in their buildings. - SH

No, I highly doubt that Bree has developed fluorescent lights… - JW

Oh my God. This is stupid. - SH

Just keep watching, itll get better… - JW

That's not what Beorn was like in the book! - SH

How can you watch this pandering-to-the-lowest-common-denominator pop culture junk with a clear conscience? - SH

Not everyone has an imagination like yours, u know. Its called INTERPRETATION for a reason! - JW

Shut up and watch! - JW

... - SH

... - JW

But...but...the spider song was my favourite part! How DARE they cut it out! - SH

Although. Bilbo defending that ring reminds me of you whenever we get down to one jar of jam... - SH

You're more scary, though. - SH

I dont know! Dont piss, on me, go to the ihatepeterjackson website and complain there or something... - JW

Lovely Sherlock, u make it sound Im some homicidal maniac or something! Over JAM! - JW

Have you _looked _in the mirror whenever you go on a jam rampage? - SH

I'm not some jam hungry troll or something, u know! - JW

I know. You're too short to be a troll. - SH

Thank u for that, LEGolas! - JW

He's in this damn film too, isn't he? - SH

How do u figure that? - JW

I saw a poster online yesterday. I was hoping he wouldn't actually show up. - SH

Take a look, mate. :P - JW

Oh..._God! _- SH

Does that blond elf have to...undulate his neck like that? It's disturbing! - SH

Yeah, it is. maybe hes preparing us for Smaug later…? - JW

Ha! He wishes. Damn prancing pretender! It looks like he's trying to take over for a pole-dancer and failing miserably. - SH

We-ell… uhh… just watch the movie, please? - JW

Wait...how do U KNOW what a pole-dancer looks like…? 0.o - JW

It was research for a case. - SH

And Lestrade didn't trust Anderson to keep his mind focused on the job, so he took me along. - SH

It was boring. - SH

*chokes* Wh-what?! U found going to a strip-club BORING?! Oh, GOD! - JW

The sequins on the costume itched. - SH

0.o - JW

WAY to much… just… GAH! - JW

What? It did! She _sat in my lap_ and Lestrade was too busy laughing to get her off! - SH

On the whole, though, it worked out well as a reconnaissance method. I was able to interrogate her without tipping anyone off and solved the case in five minutes flat. - SH

JUST SHUT UP PLEASE! Watch the bloody movie! Look, they'e getting out! Bilbo is great! - JW

He looks like an idiot. _How _could he not remember to put himself in a barrel too? - SH

Thrill of saving his mates and not thoroughly thinking it through? I dunno. Maybe you should summon J. R. R. Tolkien and ask him?! - JW

Summoning ghosts and spirits is impossible, John. Faux-science that belongs back in the days of mediums with knockers installed beneath their tables. Phony. Dull. Useless. Don't be stupid. - SH

*facepalm* - JW

Im surprised he didnt drown while riding that barrel! - JW

Shame. - SH

Please tell me there's not going to be a romance between that red-headed elf and the least-dwarf-like of the dwarves! - SH

Uh… it looks like there will be… lovely. I want adventure, not a bloody chick-flick with an elf and a dwarf! - JW

Damn! This is worse than I thought! - SH

Yeah, this… this isn't great. - JW

John? - SH

Yes, Sherlock? - JW

I hate you. - SH

No, u dont. U really dont. - JW

I really do. Why did you make me watch this..._why_? - SH

Sherlock, its just a bloody movie, okay? - JW

And dwarves can be so. Bloody. Thick sometimes… - JW

Well you would know, Mr. Baggins. - SH

When are we going to get to the dragon burning stuff down? - SH

IM NOT BILBO, SMAUGLOCK! - JW

… - JW

Right about… now…? - JW

...Why are they dipping him in melted cheese? - SH

And who the hell is Smauglock? - SH

Dont u watch ANYTHING?! Its GOLD, u silly ass...GOLD! - JW

Smaug and Sherlock. Which is u… - JW

I'm not Smaug! - SH

I know it's gold. It looks like melted cheese. Computer generated, shiny melted cheese. Doesn't anyone in that lot know what molten gold looks like? - SH

This whole conflict didn't even happen in the book. I wanted to see Smaug burn stuff and make fun of Bilbo. This is dull! - SH

Uh, firey breath, bad moods, sharp tongue…? Yeah, I can see youre not Smaug…! - JW

How do U know what molten gold looks like? - JW

When I was twelve I stole and melted down Mycroft's gold platypus tie tack from Aunt Persephone. - SH

Whatever. Why did I even ask? - JW

Why did you make me watch this film? - SH

Yeah, that was a little disappointing. Well, we'll see what the third part brings… - JW

YOU may see what the third part brings. I, however, am going to go into the kitchen and see if we have any peach ice cream to sooth my brain after it witnessed such an atrocity. - SH

You can have the rest of my popcorn. - SH

We shall see. Chuck some ice cream this way too, yeah? - JW

Sherlock! What popcorn?! Theres like three kernels left! - JW

We only have Root Beer Swirly. Damn. Do you want nuts in yours? - SH

Well if there were three kernels then that means there was _some _left, right? Glass half full and all that... - SH

Hmmm, yes, please. That'd be awesome, thanks. - JW

I'm not getting into semantics with u just now. Id prefer to go to bed before midnight, thank u! - JW

Bed. How dull...maybe Lestrade will call with a case! - SH

At…half eight at night? Uh, yeah, I can see that happening! - JW

The best ones come in the dark. - SH

If u say so. Cheers for the ice cream. Yay. - JW

Cheer up, John! Maybe we'll be called to investigate a strip club or gay bar again...that should make you happy. - SH

*almost chokes on nut* - JW

John? Are you okay? - SH

BWQRJFHDS8291DHSJQ JDJQIE QOFOPD! - JW

John. I may be amazing, but even I can't decipher that. - SH

CHOKING! - JW

No you're not. If you were you'd be turning purple and gasping and waving wildly at your throat...not texting gibberish. - SH

Go to hell. Thanks for your invaluable help! - JW

Was it something I said? - SH

Yes, it was. Thinking it would make me happy to go to a gay bar. U bloody idiot - JW

I didn't mean...John! I was talking about the strippers! The gay bar was simply referencing that last case we worked with Dimmock...the one with the man murdered with a spork? That kind of mystery would be fun to solve...that's all. - SH

Yeah, okay, whatever. Strippers are just as bad! - JW

...I don't understand. - SH

U know the 'distraction' problem u accused Anderson of having? Well...the rest us arent exactly immune when surrounded by hot, scantily-clad women. - JW

And? - SH

Oh God...do I have 2 spell it out? I SWEAR youre just being thick on purpose! - JW

Actually...scratch that. I meant youre being an idiot. - JW

I dont get it, John. - SH

Im not having THAT talk with u now, mate, because I know if u actually think about it youll get it. Oh, look whats on the telly! - JW

God...not bloody _Torchwood_ again, is it? Honestly, John...why? - SH

Did u know its an anagram of _Doctor Who_…? - JW

I did not know, nor did I care. And now I'm going to have to do another systems purge of my Mind Palace to remove the irrelevant information that this evening has gifted me with. I hope you're happy. - SH

Hmmmm. - JW

… - JW

What were u saying…? - JW

Nothing. I'm going to finish the ice cream in my room. - SH

Yeah, yeah, goodnight, Sherlock. Thanks for the ice cream and movie night! - JW

You're welcome. - SH


	15. In Which Sherlock Is Cranky

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John...did you move my microscope? - SH

Nope. I know not to touch it for fear of u going demon on me. Why? - JW

Because my slides are all messed up. - SH

I was in the middle of an experiment, you know! - SH

So why automatically blame me? - JW

Youre ALWAYS in the middle of an experiment. - JW

No, sometimes I'm in the middle of a case. And I'm blaming you because you're the only other one here. Did you move it whenever you were making up those questionable pizza rolls? - SH

Yeah, and thats such a HUGE difference. Questionable? Lovely. I have no clue why I bloody bother. And, FYI, I didn't move it, I TOLD u. Maybe u bumped it or something. - JW

I don't know why you bother either. You're the one who insists on cooking experiments rather than just the old standbys or takeaway. - SH

And I don't just bump things. - SH

At least what I make is healthier! - JW

Mate, youre a human, a person, of COURSE u bump things. Everybody else does. - JW

Healthier than what? Pond scum? Don't think I've forgotten the pea soup you burnt. - SH

Oi! That was ENTIRELY YOUR fault! That damn experiment of yours was eating through the floor and we had to clean it up before it dripped into Mrs. H's shower...I was BUSY helping u clean up ur damn mess and so I forgot about the soup. Doesnt mean my cooking is bad normally! - JW

And anyway, its healthier than take-away crap or any of the other junk u occasional deign to stuff down your gullet. At least I TRY to make something, unlike YOU who doesnt bother… - JW

Of course not. Cooking is boring and useless. - SH

How did I know u were gonna say that? - JW

No idea. - SH

Whatever. - JW

How eloquent. - SH

Shut up. - JW

No. Why should I? - SH

Because… whatever. Are u so cranky 'cause u havent got a case on…? - JW

Cranky? Who's cranky? I'm not cranky! - SH

_You're _cranky! - SH

Says the bloke who denied it so hard that its proof. - JW

That made no sense whatsoever, John. - SH

Well, of course it wouldnt 2 u! *facepalm* - JW

What's that supposed to mean? - SH

THE TADPOLE IS GONE! - SH

WHAT?! WE HAVE A TADPOLE IN HERE?! - JW

I was _dissecting_ that! Where'd it go?! - SH

Maybe it ran away, Doctor Frankenstein! - JW

But...but it was supposed to be dead! I had a scalpel in it! _John_! Help me find it! - SH

No, Im not helping u find a poor innocent baby frog, JUST so u can torture it more! I flat-out R.E.F.U.S.E! - JW

What if it turns up in your teacup? Who _knows _where the thing's wiggled off to by this point. It could be in your bed by now, for all we know. - SH

I'd rather deal with finding it somewhere unpleasant than standing idly by while you murder the poor thing! - JW

It was already dead. - SH

Or at least it was SUPPOSED to be! - SH

Oh my God... - JW

* * *

**TBC...**


	16. In Which Sherlock Is Threatened

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_THE TADPOLE IS GONE! - SH_

_WHAT?! WE HAVE A TADPOLE IN HERE?! - JW_

_I was dissecting that! Where'd it go?! - SH_

_Maybe it ran away, Doctor Frankenstein! - JW_

_But...but it was supposed to be dead! I had a scalpel in it! John! Help me find it! - SH_

_No, Im not helping u find a poor innocent baby frog, JUST so u can torture it more! I flat-out R.E.F.U.S.E! - JW_

_What if it turns up in your teacup? Who knows where the thing's wiggled off to by this point. It could be in your bed by now, for all we know. - SH_

_I'd rather deal with finding it somewhere unpleasant than standing idly by while you murder the poor thing! - JW_

_It was already dead. - SH_

_Or at least it was SUPPOSED to be! - SH_

_Oh my God... - JW_

* * *

So what youre telling me is that we have a zombie frog running around? Mrs H will be _thrilled_ - JW

A _tadpole_, John. It wasn't even an entirely mature specimen. - SH

And don't you DARE tell her! - SH

Same difference. Still slimy and always WET. - JW

Oh…? Sherly-werly scared Mrs H is gonna be mad? - JW

Nothing can compare with her rage at that horrendous squid… - JW

Don't remind me. She still hasn't forgiven us. - SH

Um…excuse me. 'Us'?! There was no 'us' in that case. Only YOU. - JW

I thought it was the two of us against the rest of the world. - SH

Rest of the world and crime lords, yes. Mrs Hudson and squid? Uh… no. - JW

Thanks a lot, traitor. - SH

Im not a traitor. I just prefer my head 2 remain intact and not bitten off. And if I am, youre the liar. - JW

Oh for God's sake! Just help me find my tadpole?! - SH

Why should I? Find it just in time for u 2 murder it horribly? Yeah, no. - JW

IT WAS ALREADY DEAD, DAMMIT! I had a scalpel in its stomach! - SH

This is all your fault. - SH

Yeah, well, a cockroach can survive 3 weeks without a head. Maybe a tadpole can survive that kind of torture too…? - JW

*splutters* Excuse me?! My fau-… My FAULT? In what bloody way is it my bloody fault?! - JW

It was tucked in with the frozen peas overnight, John. Are you telling me that a tadpole can survive temperatures below freezing for 12 hours and then a trip into the microwave before being dissected? I don't think so! Something very strange is going on here... - SH

It's your fault because you moved my microscope and distracted me. - SH

Oh, the poor thing! What the hell did it ever do to u?! - JW

Oh, piss off! - JW

It was an EXPERIMENT, John! - SH

I dont give a rats arse, Sherlock! - JW

But...but...but, _John! - _SH

Not open for negotiations, Holmes. - JW

What a shame. And here I was actually planning on eating dinner tonight... - SH

Oh no. No, no. You are NOT pulling that card, you stubborn, cranky, sulky… donkey! - JW

Oh yes I am! - SH

...and how does calling me a donkey help your case any? - SH

Fine. I'll help find your Goddamned tadpole. - JW

Go to hell. - JW

No thanks. It's probably boring down there. - SH

GAH! - JW

Did you find it? - SH

No, but when I do, Im taking it and shoving it up where the sun dont shine on u, _mate_…which could be anywhere with u. *facepalm* - JW

Meaning? - SH

Uh… forget it. - JW

No no, Doctor Watson. Considering that this involves my person and my tadpole, I'm not about to forget it. - SH

Sherlock, just...just shut up? For once in your life take the higher ground and let something go?! - JW

Ill even take u out for dinner tonight instead of cooking, okay? - JW

Fine. - SH

Now Ill start in the bathroom while U look (and clean) out here in the kitchen. I dont want to accidentally go tadpole skating tomorrow morning when I come 2 get my tea. - JW_  
_


	17. In Which Sherlock Is Texting

.

* * *

**Authors' Note: **_We apologise up one side and down the other and then back up the first side for the extreme lateness of this. One member of our writing duo was AWOL due to Internet issues. Hopefully we can make it up to you all. :)_

* * *

Molly? - SH

Sh-Sherlock? What are you doing? - MH

Texting you. - SH

Uh...why? I thought you…you had a…thing? - MH

What sort of thing would I possibly be having? - SH

I don't know. You're always saying that you have 'things' - MH

Well my refrigerator is depressingly bare just now so it isn't as though I'm working on something. - SH

Yeah? Well, I'm still working but I was planning on going shopping when U knock off, if you need anything…? :) - MH

No thank you, I'm not hungry. - SH

If you have any extra kidneys, though, that wouldn't go amiss. - SH

*sigh* You're not even back a day and you're asking me for specimens? - MH

Yes. Do you have any? I've got nothing better to do. - SH

But John said… - MH

John said before… anyway, there new kidneys coming in about half-an-hour. - MH

What did John say? - SH

Nothing. It… it doesn't seem to matter now. I'll pop down later with your kidneys later on, around 3:00, okay? - MH

Molly. What did John say? - SH

It really doesn't matter Sherlock. What's wrong? - MH

Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong? - SH

Whatever gave you that idea? - SH

You're asking so much about John. Has something gone wrong with your plan…? - MH

Not exactly. - SH

* * *

**TBC...**


	18. In Which Sherlock Is Recruiting

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_What did John say? - SH_

_Nothing. It… it doesn't seem to matter now. I'll pop down later with your kidneys later on, around 3:00, okay? - MH_

_Molly. What did John say? - SH_

_It really doesn't matter Sherlock. What's wrong? - MH_

_Wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would anything be wrong? - SH_

_Whatever gave you that idea? - SH_

_You're asking so much about John. Has something gone wrong with your plan…? - MH_

_Not exactly. - SH_

* * *

'Not exactly'…? What happened, then? - MH

It's not important, Molly. He got it all out and made his position quite clear. - SH

So I'm going to have you moping around Bart's for all time now? - MH

Moping? I don't _mope_! - SH

According to John you do. - MH

What was it John said to you? Have you seen him? - SH

He… he told me I mustn't give you anything - any body parts at all - while he isn't with you 24/7. And yes I've seen him. Mary and I are friends you know. - MH

I'll never have another body part again, then. - SH

But… but what about your experiments? Don't you need them? - MH

Yes. So will you make an exception, please? John's not really in the picture any more so he has no say in it. - SH

I…I suppose I can. But John will kill me when he finds out. He's scary when he's mad. - MH

I know. My nose is still bloody. - SH

Sherlock, did he hit you? - MH

Well...it was more of a tackle, strangling, and a headbutt. - SH

Oh God. Your plan _didn't_ work then. Sherlock, are you okay? - MH

I'm fine. Hardly the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Not likely to be repeated either...he's not talking to me. - SH

Yeah. Have you tried being nice and apologetic? Or did you just bust in there and be… well, you? He has been without you for two years, and blaming himself the whole way… - MH

He was supposed to get over it. - SH

Sherlock, he's not like you. You need to give him a chance. And be nicer and not you. - MH

I was nicer. I tried to make him laugh. - SH

On reviewing that information, though, perhaps a interrupting a date wasn't my best move. I didn't think he would have been so upset, though. - SH

Sherlock, what exactly did you do? - MH

What did you say? - MH

I may have...impersonated a waiter and interrupted his proposal to Mary. - SH

Sherlock, I think you have the worst timing in the world! He'd planned that for weeks, and we were all forbidden to contact him at all. - MH

Unless someone was dying, and only then after a certain time. - MH

Well I had been out of the loop for a while. How the hell was I supposed to know? I just got back from being interrogated in Serbia, for God's sake! - SH

You could have asked, you idiot, before just bursting in and making an arse of yourself! - MH

And what was that about interrogation?! - MH

That would have spoiled the surprise. - SH

Why didn't Mycroft warn me? I refuse to believe he didn't know about the radio silence! - SH

That fat git. - SH

Well, you spoiled it all right. - MH

My…Mycroft…? - MH

My brother. About yea high, trying desperately to loose weight, and surgically attached to a brolly? - SH

Uh… okay. - MH

So when are you coming by with those kidneys? - SH

In about half an hour? At Baker Street, right, not that… other place? - MH

Yes, Molly, Baker Street. Mrs. Hudson will let you in. - SH

What are you doing for the rest of the afternoon? - SH

Going home to feed Toby and Angus, make sure they haven't played the Calico Cat and the Gingham Dog. Unless you have something more in mind…? - MH

Well if you're coming by with some specimens, why don't you stay for a while? - SH

I'd love to! Should I bring anything else? - MH

Just yourself. And maybe a change of clothes. - SH

Okay. - MH

Wait...what are we doing? - MH

Sherlock? - MH


	19. In Which Sherlock Is Outside

.

* * *

Sherlock! What have u done with my jam?! - JW

Who the hell is Sherlock? - A

And why are you writing over my speech, foul sorcerer? I spent _hours _recopying Merlin's draft! - A

Who the hell is Sherlock? Who the hell are u?! - JW

And Im not a 'sorcerer'. I dont even believe in magic. - JW

Sorcerer…? Oi! ARTHUR! I spent hours on that draft! - M

I am Arthur Pendragon, Crown Prince of Camelot and First Knight of the realm. Who, may I ask, are you? - A

Yeah, _Mer_lin, but you don't want my father seeing your chicken scratch on my documents and send you for another round of Dodge The Refuse in the stocks, do you? - A

What kind of stupid joke is this?! - JW

At least spending time in the stocks stops me from cleaning your dirty armour. - M

John? Are you feeling all right? You're turning red. - SH

It's your job to clean my armour, Merlin. It's not your job to play target practice for the children of the lower town. - A

Uh… Prince Arthur and Merlin are talking 2 me right now… - JW

Because, of course, I should be bowing and scraping to you instead. - M

Maybe not scraping...I wouldn't let you with a sharp object anywhere near my person...but the bowing wouldn't go amiss. Maybe then I wouldn't have to listen to my father lecture me about the proper way to treat the castle help. - A

Don't be ridiculous, John. Have you been on Mrs. Hudson's soothers? - SH

By the way, Merlin, I need you to clean my red jacket. In case you've forgotten, there's a council meeting on tonight that I have to make a speech for. - A

Clotpole… - M

Um. No. I havent, Sherlock. - JW

Well then have you been sniffing my experiment jars again? I've warned you against doing that. - SH

Cabbage-head. - A

What? Sherlock! No! - JW

Dollop-head. - M

Are you sure? - SH

Mash-brains. - A

Of COURSE I'm sure! - JW

Donkey-ears. - M

Well okay. But maybe you need another trip to Psychiatrist Mycroft (much as I hate to recommend him for anything) if you're hearing voices. Granted usually it's Charles Manson or Hitler or something like that, but I suppose King Arthur isn't so far off the radar. - SH

I wouldnt talk about that to Mycroft if you bloody paid me! - JW

So THATS how Arthur treated Merlin! Like a servant, when he shouldve been treating him with respect and awe! - JW

He _is _my servant. All things considered, I'm pretty damn nice to him. - A

But… but he's NOT your servant you twit! - JW

Uh… nice. You even know what that means? - M

Uh...yes he is a servant. And who are _you _calling a twit? You didn't even know who I am! - A

Finished my jacket yet, _Mer_lin?.- A

U are apparently Prince Arthur, if thats 2 be believed… - JW

You aren't giving me a chance to, _sire_ - M

And here I thought you might at least have the talent of multitasking, alas I am sorely disappointed. - A

John? What now? Where did you put my forceps? - SH

* * *

**TBC...**


	20. In Which Sherlock Is In Denial

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_So THATS how Arthur treated Merlin! Like a servant, when he shouldve been treating him with respect and awe! - JW_

_He is my servant. All things considered, I'm pretty damn nice to him. - A_

_But… but he's NOT your servant you twit! - JW_

_Uh… nice. You even know what that means? - M_

_Uh...yes he is a servant. And who are you calling a twit? You didn't even know who I am! - A_

_Finished my jacket yet, Merlin?.- A_

_U are apparently Prince Arthur, if thats 2 be believed… - JW_

_You aren't giving me a chance to, sire - M_

_And here I thought you might at least have the talent of multitasking, alas I am sorely disappointed. - A_

_John? What now? Where did you put my forceps? - SH_

* * *

John? Are you still talking to 'King Arthur'? - SH

Ye-es, I am… - JW

Oh for God's sake. - SH

I ask you, why the hell do I have to do EVERYTHING?! - M

Because, _Mer_lin, you're my manservant. And that's what manservants do. - A

Have you seen the alcohol? - SH

But I dont even get a _thank you_ much less _paid_ for cleaning up behind, and saving you! - M

Tell u what, Sherlock, Ill put u on conference, u need 2 see this… alcohol is in the First Aid cupboard… - JW

No, John, not the rubbing alcohol. I want the vodka Gerald gave us. - SH

I do too pay you! - A

And, really, you've saved my life like...twice? The dagger and the poison? Thank you for that...but it's not like you do it every week. - A

Oh…vodka? I think Mycroft took it when he came over the other day. - JW

In what? Harsh words and stupidity? - M

DAMN YOU, MYCROFT! - SH

Uh… yeah. I agree. - JW

In coin. That you carelessly spend at the tavern. - A

I NEEDED that! - SH

That was just a nasty rumour that Gaius spread! Its not true! - M

Did you? To what? Pickle those frogs eyes or something? - JW

Oh really? Then why is it whenever I need you you're always in the tavern? - A

ALWAYS in the tavern? - A

No. To drink myself into blissful oblivion. - SH

Because my whole life doesn't revolve around you, _sire_. I do have OTHER things to do. - M

Why don't you ever complain at Gwaine? Why is it always ME? - M

You were going to get drunk?! SHERLOCK! It seems your brother knows u better than you think… - JW

Thank you, Doctor Watson. I do believe that is a compliment. - Mycroft

Piss off, prat! - JW

It doesn't? - A

I am not responsible for what Sir Gwaine does in his spare time, Merlin. - A

Oh piss off, Mycroft. Isn't it about time for your evening chocolate binge? - SH

No _your highness_ it isn't. I do have other things like helping Gaius and… and… helping Gaius. - M

And yet you think you are for mine. Charming. - M

No comment, brother mine. I bid you good day. - Mycroft.

Geeze, who ate a Complete Works Of Shakespeare this morning for breakfast? 0.o - JW

I didn't eat breakfast, John. - SH

I know. Which I don't approve of, by the way... - JW

'...and...and helping Gaius'?! Very eloquent and convincing there, Merlin. - A

Eloquent and convincing, that's me! - M

In your mead-induced dreams, perhaps. - A

You never approve. - SH

...Are you still talking to 'King Arthur'? - SH

I don't drink you dolt! It interferes with my mag-… my manservant abilities… - M

And I never will approve of u skipping meals. Yes, I am still talking to them, cant u see? - JW

Oh for God's sake. John...did _you _drink that vodka?! - SH

Can't interfere with your manservant abilities as first you have to have them. - A

Look, um, John. I don't know how this whole thing works (and I'm still not convinced that you're not a sorcerer of some kind) but is there any way you can bring your friend into this conversation? - A

No! I didnt! Maybe Merlin did! - JW

Shut up, _sire!_ - M

Im trying mate. Bloody technology with so many bloody buttons! - JW

Tech...nolo...gy? What the hell is that? - A

Sounds like something Gaius would bleed someone for. - M

Merlin never really existed, John. Or if he did he's dead centuries over. Are you high? - SH

It's stupid smart phones in this day and age! - JW

NO! Look… ohhhh, theres the button! Say hello to Prince Arthur and Merlin, Sherlock!

Greetings, Master Sherlock. - A

What the hell, John? That's not funny! - SH

Hello Sherlock. How are you? Are you a Prince? - M

Thats because its not a joke, u pillock! - JW

Then why does Anderson have my number? I thought I deleted it from his contacts... - SH

THIS ISN'T FUNNY, ANDERSON! - SH

Ander…son? Like son of Ander? I don't know him… Maybe Gwen does. What do you mean by his 'number', though? - M

ITS. NOT. ANDERSON, MORON. - JW

Sherlock...not u, Merlin. - JW

I'm not a moron, John. - SH

No, Merlin, I think it's a name. But there's no one named 'Ander' or 'Anderson' anywhere in the castle. - A

And I should know, seeing as how I had to spend a _tedious _afternoon with the Staff Manager yesterday. - A

Youre gonna trip over your lower lip at this rate, mate… - JW

Cant be worse than cleaning SOMEONE'S smelly armour and boots… - M

Are you calling me stinky, _Mer_lin? - A

Because I think I hear a stable calling _someone's _name... - A

It's anatomically impossible to trip over one's own lip, John. Even if you overdosed on one of the inflating-lipsticks that seem to be all the rage recently. - SH

No-oo, sire, I most definitely wasn't… - M

Argh, whatever Sherlock. - JW

I'm hungry. Is there any sherbet left? - SH

I didn't think you were. - A

No, and if there was, youre not having solid sugar on an empty stomach… - JW

What's sherbet? - M

But _why_? - SH

And you should know that this continued running gag about 'Merlin' and 'Arthur' isn't in the least bit funny...even if it does seem to improve your _abysmal _typing skills. - SH

Because a sugar high can be as dangerous as a high high. - JW

Oi! I'm not a gag, you clotpole! - M

Clotpole? Lame insult, John. You can do better than that. - SH

And I don't suffer from sugar highs. I want some sherbet. - SH

Like to see you come up with better, Master Sherlock… - M

Then go get yourself some. I'm busy. - JW

Yes, talking with your delusions. - SH

Shut up. - JW

But _JOHN! _I'm HUNGRY! - SH

Wow, right tantrum you're getting into there. Sounds like someone I know… - M

Piss off, sort yourself. Busy… - JW

Fine. There goes _my _effort to eat for the rest of the week! - SH

Oi, Merlin! What are you saying about me?! - A

* * *

**TBC...**


	21. In Which Sherlock Is Bad

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_And I don't suffer from sugar highs. I want some sherbet. - SH_

_Then go get yourself some. I'm busy. - JW_

_Yes, talking with your delusions. - SH_

_Shut up. - JW_

_But JOHN! I'm HUNGRY! - SH_

_Wow, right tantrum you're getting into there. Sounds like someone I know… - M_

_Piss off, sort yourself. Busy… - JW_

_Fine. There goes my effort to eat for the rest of the week! - SH_

* * *

Nothing, sire, nothing. I'll just finish your boots. - M

...

...John...where'd the cocoa mix go? - SH

Cupboard, top shelf. Next to the toenails… - JW

Co…coa mix? How… how on earth do you say that? What is it…? - M

Stop playing dumb, John, or else I'll eat the rest of the marshmallows. - SH

It's probably like that cacao stuff that ambassador brought over last year right before we had him executed for sorcery. - A

U do that. Im not dumb, clotpole. - JW

Oi!, John! Thats MY insult! Oh, right, THAT stuff. Rather bitter, if I recall. - M

Uh… sorry…? - JW

Ignore him, John, he's an idiot. - A

I get the distinct feeling that he isnt Arthur… - JW

...John, did you eat all of the strawberry marshmallows?! - SH

Marsh… mallows? What atrocities are in YOUR day and age? - M

Nah, cant handle the taste of artificial strawberry. Except in jam. And anyway, all marshmallows taste the same, no matter what the colour. - JW

THEN WHERE DID THEY GO?! - SH

You've never seen the idiot forget to turn the knob on my wardrobe four times in a row, have you? - A

Or trip over the chamber pot. - A

Or spend quality time napping in the stables. - A

Or lie so badly that a baby would be groaning! - A

I DONT KNOW! DO YOUR FUNKY-ARSE DEDUCTION SKILLS AND FIND THEM YOURSELF! Or, gee, I dont know, GET YOUR OWN! - JW

Oi, clotpole! I'm not THAT bad! - M

Oh, Merlin. What the hell has gotten yourself into? Do u even have you-know-what-that-starts-with-'M'-and-ends-with-'C'…? - JW

I dont…I have no idea what you are talking about. - M

Starts with M and ends with C? You're into music? I didn't know you had any talents, Merlin! - A

I want a marshmallow, John. I'm hungry. - SH

My experiment disintegrated. - SH

Yeah, um, music! Thats it! Gaius and I have a secret, um, travelling band of pipers! - M

Shove off, lazy. - JW

Good riddance and good riddance to that damn experiment...Im NOT in the mood for an explosion or re-animated tadpole today! - JW

I'm not lazy..._you're _lazy! You've been sitting there all morning carrying on a conversation with your medieval delusions. - SH

I wasn't aware that Gaius was good for anything beyond foreboding predictions and smelly concoctions. - A

They are not delusions! Theyre true, youve got PROOF! - JW

Uh. He'll be really happy you said that, sire… - M

Just so he doesn't try to feed me another 'sleep-like death' potion. - A

Although, come to think of it, maybe it would have been better if I never woke up. At least then I wouldn't still have memories of my father snogging that troll... - A

All I have is a bunch of bizarre text messages from an undetermined source, hardly what I'd like to call 'proof'. I can think of at least TWELVE other explanations...starting with you missing your medicine this morning. - SH

At least if you do, less work for me! - M

That was rather…funny. - M

I dont take medicine. U most definitely need to! Medicine to stop u whining over sweets! - JW

Father and the troll? It was funny, wasn't it? - A

I did. Lestrade made me give it up. Mrs. Hudson almost bit off my head when she found out too. - SH

I can imagine what they did 2 u. It must have been a nightmare… 0.o - JW

Yes, but I don't want to end up in the stocks - as much as I love them - by saying anything more… - M

You love the stocks? Well I'll have to make sure you get to spend more quality time together in future, then. - A

Lestrade wouldn't let me on crime scenes and Mrs. Hudson threatened to kill me herself. It wasn't pretty. - SH

I was just trying to get rid of boredom! - SH

At least I still have my stash... - SH

Not any more u dont, mate. - JW

What? The stock? No… no I didn't… I don't love them! - M

You burnt it. I know. And screamed at me for _hours_! - SH

You sure, Merlin? Because I'm sure I can arrange something... - A

Yes, I did, and will again If I ever see it again. - JW

No sire, I was not being serious. - M

I was. - A

SHERLOCK BLOODY HOLMES! What have u done to the KITCHEN?! - JW

I was looking for the marshmallows. - SH

Bloody hell! And who is going 2 clean this bloody damn thing up? - JW

Um... - SH

DAMMIT! - JW

Arthur? I need to take that parchment to Gaius. He thinks it may be enchanted. - M

Really? Damn! - A

SHERLOCK BLOODY HOLMES! WHAT DID U DO 2 THE TOASTER?! - JW

Yes, really. I told him what happened (he's _really _not happy about your 'premonitions and potions' comment, by the way) and he says it needs to be burnt in a bed of comfrey to cleanse it. - M

Hell. Do we have to? - A

Oi! I'd have thought you'd be the last person to promote the idea of hiding enchanted objects! - M

Fine, fine. - A

John...are you there? - A

COME OUT OF YOUR ROOM AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, SHERLOCK! - JW

I SWEAR, u overgrown toddler, if I find ONE MORE mess like this Im going 2...Arthur? - JW

Yes it is me. I fear that the time has come for me to go, so I must bid you farewell. - A

Um, okay. Look, sorry about my flatmate. Hes a stubborn sod on his good days. - JW

I sympathise... - M

No need to apologise. I just wanted to say that this has been enjoyable and I am glad to have met you. I apologise if you ever get arrested for sorcery and I am forced to burn you at the stake. - A

Yeah. Whatever...SHERLOCK! - JW

Sorry, sorry, just discovered something that looks like the beginnings of a meth lab. I'm going to KILL HIM! - JW

...just make sure you hide the body. - M

Yes. Murder trials are tedious. - A

Fine. Thanks! - JW

Goodbye. - JW

...

Arthur? - JW

You still there? - JW

Huh...guess you're gone. - JW

John. What the HELL was that all about?! - SH

Get your scrawny arse out here, Sherlock Holmes, u r in SO much trouble! - JW


	22. In Which Sherlock Is Whining

.

* * *

Sherlock, mate! MOVIE NIGHT! - JW

Oh _no_...! - SH

Do we _have _to?! - SH

Uh, yeah, whiny kid. Yeah, we do. - JW

Whiny..._whiny kid_?! What?! - SH

Uh huh. Whiny. KID. - JW

I am _not_! - SH

So, wanna know the movie…? - JW

Do I have a choice? - SH

Not last time I checked! - JW

Its a lovely little kids movie, Mary recommended it. U WILL enjoy it. And no getting Mycroft involved again. That wont work this time! - JW

Oh for God's sake! I most certainly will NOT enjoy it! - SH

Oh, you most certainly will! - JW

Somehow I am less than confident about that. Fine. Bring it on, my small tormentor! Let's get this evening of terror over with. Did you remember popcorn? - SH

Whatever. Weve been over this. Im not small, a Hobbit, or your tormentor. Of course I got popcorn! U didnt think Id pass up the opportunity 2 get u 2 eat, do u? - JW

Then hurry up and start the film. - SH

I hate you, you know that? - SH

What dyou think Im doing? Picking my nose?! Bloody. Buttons. - JW.

*sighs* No u dont. - JW

WELL I SURE HATE THIS FILM! This is another one from the Disney Princess franchise, isn't it. - SH

Yes, just for you, Mr 'Like A Fairy'. - JW

What the hell? - SH

MARY! This is TERRIBLE! - SH

John...just _why_?! - SH

I hate this. - SH

I hate this. - SH

I hate this. - SH

I HATE THIS! - SH

* * *

**TBC...**


	23. In Which Sherlock Is Exterminating

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_Sherlock, mate! MOVIE NIGHT! - JW_

_Oh no...! - SH_

_Do we have to?! - SH_

_Uh, yeah, whiny kid. Yeah, we do. - JW_

_I hate this. - SH_

_I hate this. - SH_

_I HATE THIS! - SH_

* * *

No u dont. Even a hard-arse like u must love the horse! - JW

He is...not as disagreeable as the rest of the participants. Not that that is saying much. - SH

Mary? Why the hell do you insist on torturing us?! - SH

MARY?! - SH

...you're laughing somewhere, aren't you? - SH

Dont disturb her, shes resting. But yes, she probably is… - JW

John. I hate this. - SH

Whatever. The witch reminds me of Mycroft, somewhat… - JW

Shut up, watch and eat. - JW

This is terrible, John. Worse than your usual choices! - SH

No its not. Though it does sound suspiciously like they used half the cast of Glee for this… - JW

What is...Glee? - SH

Your worst nightmare…? - JW

Worse than this movie? - SH

MUCH. - JW

Somehow I find that highly improbable. What could be worse than a tavern of singing thugs? - SH

A high-school full of teenagers who THINK they can sing?

Oh _God..._! - SH

Uh. Yeah. Janine talked Mary into having a marathon last night, much to Marys disgust. And its a series, so it just keeps coming back. - JW

Enough! Cease! Desist! - SH

SHERLOCK! I dont WANT popcorn that much! U didnt have 2 stuff it in my mouth! And I swear if you say 'EXTERMINATE' I'll fall off this chair laughing! :D - JW

Exterminate? - SH

EXTERMINATE! - SH

...John? Are you okay? - SH

NO… Yes, I'm… I'm fine. Just my stomach is really sore now… XD - JW

* * *

**TBC...**

_**We're sorry for the short instalments of this one. We're having contact difficulties, due to my work schedule and TCSM's internet, well, let's just say that this wasn't our week. But we're still trying and we hope you enjoy! :)**_


	24. In Which Sherlock Is Disgusted

.

* * *

**Previously...**

_Sherlock, mate! MOVIE NIGHT! - JW_

_Oh no...! - SH_

_Do we have to?! - SH_

_Uh, yeah, whiny kid. Yeah, we do. - JW_

_Enough! Cease! Desist! - SH_

_SHERLOCK! I dont WANT popcorn that much! U didnt have 2 stuff it in my mouth! And I swear if you say 'EXTERMINATE' I'll fall off this chair laughing! :D - JW_

_Exterminate? - SH_

_EXTERMINATE! - SH_

_...John? Are you okay? - SH_

_NO… Yes, I'm… I'm fine. Just my stomach is really sore now… XD - JW_

* * *

Well why don't you take some aka seltzer, then? - SH

Because we used that, remember? To clean that gunk u left on the toilet from when u decided (oh brilliant genius) to flush one of your experiments! - JW

Youre lucky that didnt eat through the porcelain, u know... - JW

Sherlock! I dont think Mrs H'll appreciate popcorn being thrown at the telly! - JW

What are u...two?! - JW

So? What's she going to do about it? - SH

Throw a fit and have a heart-attack…? - JW

You don't think she really would, do you? - SH

U never know… - JW

Help me pick up this popcorn, John! - SH

No way. U threw it! - JW

But...but...you don't want Mrs. Hudson to have a heart-attack, do you? - SH

God, Sherlock, sit down and put your head between your knees or something. You've got white as a sheet! - JW

...and why are we texting?! - JW

U do know that I was just joking about the heart-attack, right? - JW

You were? - SH

Yeah. I was. I dont think shes in much danger of one. Shes fairly healthy 4 her age...certainly capable of kicking both our arses. - JW

Oh... - SH

I knew that. - SH

You shouldn't joke about such things. - SH

*SIGH* - JW

What? - SH

I think Im going 2 have blood-pressure issues by the end of this! - JW

...it's all Mary's fault for suggesting this film. Can't we watch something else? - SH

Wow, look at the detail in the CG of those lanterns! - JW

Awwww, look at how adorable those two are together! - JW

_John!_ - SH

Hey. Dont sound so scandalised. Mary picked out the film so Im enjoying the film. - JW

It isn't like she'll shoot you for saying you don't like it. The overdose of pink alone is making my retinas bleed. - SH

Dont make jokes about Mary shooting things, please? Theyre very inappropriate, coming from u. - JW

What the hell is Eugene doing?! Oh, hello witchy Mycroft. DAMMIT! - JW

At least the singers are actually in key for this one. Unlike last time... - SH

That was Monty Python, u dunce! They werent SUPPOSED to be good! - JW

Yuck. - SH

Come on, u big baby, u know u secretely like it! - JW

Can we PLEASE watch something else? Like that one pirates flick or SOMETHING?! - SH

No. - JW

I hate you. I hate Mary. I hate this movie. I HATE LIFE! - SH

Oh, SWEEEEET! Hes an AWESOME prisoner! What an AMAZING escape! Did u see that?! - JW

You're just determined to enjoy the hell out of this in order to torture me, aren't you? - SH

Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that your wife suggested it and she totally has you jumping and asking how high due to your soppy infatuation, ohhh no...no way, no how. - SH

Huh? What did u say? - JW

Yaaay! Go Max! - JW

_MARY!_ - SH


	25. In Which Sherlock Is Written About

.

* * *

Mary? - IA

Hello, Irene. What brings the sudden contact with silly little me..? - MW

Curiosity and boredom. - IA

Oh, yes? Boredom is understandable, but why curiosity? - MW

I was wondering, Mary, dear, if you are still in contact with our little Janine? - IA

Yes, Irene, _darlin g_, I am. She was my Maid of Honour after all...doing something with bees in Sussex now she said. But we do still keep in contact. Why? - MW

Oh, no reason. - IA

I just have an explanation to beat out of her, that's all. - IA

U wouldn't have asked if there wasn't a reason, Irene. But I'll put her on conference for u... - MW

Hey Janine. There's someone I want you to meet. - MW

Hi, Mary. Who's that then..? - J

Ohhhhh, _Janine_! Long time no see... - IA

_Irene_?! What the hell?! - J

That's what I said. - MW

Hello, darling. - IA

Well at least I didn't go settling down and changing my name on you, _Mary_. - IA

Hey. Assuming I'm not talking to a ghost, what's been shaking, dearie? - J

Now that was below the belt. Though my stomach is probably way to big for u to reach it... - MW

Your stomach..._OH MY GOD! _- IA

Mary, you haven't gone and got yourself knocked up, have you? - IA

Janine, she didn't...did she? - IA

Yes, I have dear, didn't I tell you? We have a Mini-Watson on the way... - MW

With John Watson, too! - J

What the _HELL?!_ - IA

Huh. Guess the Sex Holiday was more productive than you expected... ;) - IA

That's what I said. - J

Who's been around Sherlock recently, then..? - MW

I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. Can't stand the man. - IA

Hmmm... so why was your pass code 'I AM SHERLOCKED'? - MW

*snorts with laughter* Excuse ME?! - J

Shut up. It kept the daft detective guessing for _months_! - IA

Oh, and I wouldn't laugh if I were you, Miss Shag-A-Lot Holmes... - IA

He still cracked it though, didn't he? - MW

Excuse me? It made a pretty front cover and and quite a penny. - J

How much did you pay them to print that reprehensible piece of nonsense? Do tell, I'm very interested. ;) - IA

Oh I'd like to see you do better, Abbey. - IA

Spoilers, sweetie. ;) - J

Is that a challenge..? ;-) - MW

Oh for God's sake! - IA

Look who's quoting our favourite Detective now... ;) - MW

So, Janine, what did Holmes have to say about your frankly delicious stories? Did he blush? - IA

He was high on hospital drugs, because our Pregnant Fairy over here shot him. I doubt he remembers what he said... - J

I'm a WHAT, Janine, dear? - MW

Mary. You SHOT HIM?! - IA

What the HELL? - IA

And don't try to blame it on a hormonal imbalance...I'm no Norwegian judge! - IA

I had to! - MW

Whats with all the worry, anyway? I thought you couldn't stand him..? - MW

I'm not worried. - IA

It would just be a shame for that skin to be torn up again. - IA

Yeah, you are. - MW

Oooh, I know what you mean, dear! - J

I'm not worried. He's an annoying, arrogant, prickish, condescending, overgrown baby with an inflated ego and an intellect to match. - IA

Besides. He's not exactly my preferred type. - IA

Doesn't mean I can't appreciate the view, though. ;) - IA

And Janine, you pretty little liar, I know that those articles were a load of bullshit at the end of the day. _Please_, as if he'd ever be THAT creative! - IA

* * *

**TBC...once Internet connection is re-established. :P**


End file.
